News

A few days ago the doctor called with a positive pregnancy test and today we went back to confirm that the baby was progressing and growing, unfortunately, the numbers showed that we were losing the baby and in a few days I will be having a miscarriage.

I don’t have much to say at this point. I’m devastated and my heart is broken. I wonder how I can do this whole process again, how my body and heart can stand it. But we will, we just don’t know when or how exactly.

I would have waited to share until I could process this a little more, but with the holidays we will be seeing lots of family and friends, whom I know will want to know and ask us. At this point, we’re not up for talking about it or answering any questions, but we truly value all of your love and support throughout this process and during this time.

Much love and Merry Christmas,

Team Scott

The 2ww

We're in what's known as the two week wait, or 2ww in the infertility world. It's been no picnic. I can barely form a coherent thought, so who knows what this post will turn out like. During this time I continue to flood myself with hormones to help the embryos stick and grow, and I'm finding there's a whole slew of unpleasant side effects that go with that.

#1. I'm constantly overly fatigued and barely able to keep my eyes open, yet when I head to bed, I can't fall asleep (and once I do, I toss and turn all night). 

#2. With each day I find myself getting more and more depressed. Not just hormonal, silly crying, but deep sadness, unhappiness, and melancholy. I just want Matt home and nothing else seems to help, although I love those dearly who have tried and been SO encouraging. 

#3. I get agitated very easily. Everything annoys me or frustrates me. I can't stand any TV show or song on the radio. Nothing sounds good to eat and I don't want to bother making anything. I thankfully haven't bitten anyone's head off, except for a few other drivers out there who didn't know they were getting my road-rage. 

#4. I constantly have a raging headache, which Tylenol doesn't help, and I can't take anything else. 

#5. I have a fever of 99.5, which is apparently normal, but still makes me feel like poo on top of everything else. 

#6. Let's just clump together dizziness, confusion, forgetfulness, nausea, bloating, cramps, acne, hair growth (only females will understand the annoyance of constant waxing and roots that seem to never go away), bruises from injections, and anxiety and panic like I haven't had in years.

Finally, my back pain is coming back and there's nothing to be done about it. 

There's still several days until we know if the transplant took, but until then, and especially as each day draws nearer, all I can think about is, "Did it work? Will this all be worth it? Or will I be starting from scratch and doing this again???" 

Step 2: Making a Nest

I'm writing this post in bed, laying down, wearing my heating pad Antonio (he's muy caliente), a dachshund on my legs, and sipping Gatorade (which is supposed to help prevent severe OHSS- ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome), while attemping to type...there's bound to be endless typos to correct at the end.

Now, I understand everyone may not want to know the nitty-gritty of this whole process, but there are also some people who want to understand more and I want to be open to that. Therefore, I am about to walk a fine line between the two worlds of TMI (too much information) and being completely vague. Here goes! (If you don't want to read this next part then please skip down to the bold area!)

So the first step was making a plethora of eggs. We anticipated about 25 but only ended up with 15 mature ones, which I still feel blessed to have because some women go through all the same steps and may only end up with 1 or 2. The lab (next to the surgery center) creates the embryos immediately upon retrieving the eggs, and they are then left in an incubator to develop. For education purposes, I will add this: There is a natural way to create an embryo (despite being in a petri dish, and I'm sure you can imagine how) and the assumed way where the lab technician actually creates it. Our doctor had the lab create them because that gave us our best chance since I've never been able to become pregnant. After waiting a full day, the lab did its first check and found 11 of the 15 embryos had taken off and were doing well. They then continue to incubate them until the day of the transfer.

While the bitty-babies are growing, my next job is to build them a little nest. On to new meds and hormonal side effects! The day after the retrieval I began a new round of deep muscle injections and patch medications. These hormones make me extremely nauseous, give me a constant horrible headache, keep me feeling very fat (normal cycle hormones make us ladies plump up and these are the same hormones at drastically higher levels), and make me tired. Then there's the shot sites- my stomach and hips hurt (especially to the touch) because of so many injections, and are not going to get better any time soon. The new shots are an oil and have to be injected with an 1.5 inch needle- that has to go all the way in- and then you have to rub the site to discourage the oil from becoming a knot, so to speak. All of these side effects keep me from sleeping. I'm exhausted but can't get comfortable because I can't lay on my hips or stomach due to the shot sites, along with the nausea, and if I lay on my back it kills my spine since I had to get off my nerve medication (which you can't take if you're pregnant). So I suppose the conclusion is that I need to learn how to sleep standing or sitting up...or learn to not need sleep, which seems essential to parenting anyhow!

Three days after creating the embryos, we had 5-6 of good quality, while most of the others are usable but not as good. Tomorrow will be five days since they've been created and is the day our doctor will choose, and transplant, two of the best (we get a choice of 1 or 2 but decided on 2 after doing so much work to get here and to improve our chance of success). I can't even tell you how bizarre it is to think that tomorrow I will be pregnant....most families start with a surprise, but for us it will be scheduled down to the date and time. So weird.

If you've skimmed through the previous, that's cool, but PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH:
One of the major parts of a successful transfer is being totally stress-free, so I'm going to be very personal and clear and lay this out so that there's (hopefully!) no upsetting questions or comments. Matt and I believe that life starts at conception (which would be when our embryos were created), therefore, these are our babies- not blobs of flesh or cells. If this transfer doesn't work, then this is considered a miscarriage and we will mourn it as such. I know that by putting this all out there I open myself up to others' thoughts, but it would KILL my heart to hear someone say, "Don't worry. It's not like you lost a real baby." So please, know and respect where we stand. With that, we will not know the results for several weeks. Please do not ask if I'm pregnant or not. I've shared with you so far and I will share with you when we know and feel ready. Along with that, with IVF you get a positive pregnancy result much sooner than a typical pregnancy and is extremely susceptible to being lost, therefore, even if it is positive at first it may not last. While I need to be hopeful, I also need to be realistic, and that's a very hard line to balance.

So for those of you who are praying for us in our journey, please pray for the following:

• Calming all anxieties as we go into the transfer and wait for the results
• The doctor to choose the best candidates and the procedure to go smoothly
• Reassurance that His hand is on this process and its outcome
• Endurance through side effects
• Rest and being able to sleep
• Remaining thankful and positive (which is most important to me, no matter what)

So that's all you'll be hearing about this subject for now. Thank you so much for your continued love and support! It means more than I could say!

Step 1: Becoming a Chicken

The first phase of IVF is growing massive amounts of eggs and retrieving them in order to make the embryos (an embryo is the stage between a zygote and fetus). To begin this process you need a large pharmacy's worth of medications and injections:

Meds

Every morning and night you'll need several hormone injections. Some of the medications burn like Hades so I find that it's helpful to have something to squeeze so you don't end up wanting to swat the kind person giving you the injection. My medicine-friend:

Mr. Puff

The medications will begin rapidly growing your eggs, which will in turn rapidly increase your waist size. Then you'll need a sweet husband to buy you new stretchy pants, and a sister to buy you new pj pants for when even the stretchy pants no longer stretch enough to fit your middle. And she'll also send you a card to remind you she knows what you're going through and is here for you.

Lululemon

"Sending you a hug..."

When your hubby isn't available to give you the shots, you'll need another volunteer. And since some of the shots are time sensitive, that volunteer will need to be willing to wake up even at midnight to inject you. Thankfully for me, my mom is a great shot-giver (even at the wee hours of the morning or night) and was willing to help.

[I'll spare the pictures of what two sleep-deprived women (one of which is fat and hormonal...and wasn't my mom) look like during these moments.]

Throughout this process you'll be visiting your doctor often, if not daily, for testing and monitoring. When he deems you are plump like a chicken with lots of eggs ready for hatching, he will schedule your retrieval procedure. The day before you'll want to be on the couch, with a heating pad, nauseous from loads of hormones, feeling like you're so full it's hard to even breathe, and thankful no one has to see you looking like a hippo.

Me out on a walk today

So in short, that's the first phase of IVF. Where a typical woman ovulates 1 small egg per month, I am about ready to pop out at least 20, if not more, monster ones (which is the reason for such a big midsection). Although highly uncomfortable, this is great news in the IVF world. So I'll take my pj pants and heating pad and be thankful for my abundance of blessings!

Please be praying and wishing us well as we go into this procedure tomorrow. Our main concerns are my level of pain (before and after), side effects of anesthesia, and quality of embryos made. I'll be back to post more as I know and am ready. Thank you so much for your continued support!