The First Laugh

It's been two weeks since Annalee's birth and passing and last night I laughed again for the first time. The feeling was foreign and hard to process: so good, but also suddenly so wrong. I felt guilty. And then after I felt the laughter spontaneously bubble up and out of me, I felt tears slip silently down my cheeks.

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My dear husband knows, in a way I think he finds adorably annoying, that I process things by cleaning and organizing. So for a few days now our house has been in a deep purge and he has lovingly stood by and supported me by taking care of the others things so I could do this one thing that somehow helped me feel better and helped me make sense of my life- something in life I could control. Well, in part of my cleaning and reorganizing I had cleaned and "updated" the items in the shower by moving the soaps, shampoo, and conditioner around. Unknowingly to him.

So last night as I thanked him for putting up with and standing by my organization madness I tried to crack a tiny joke about if he was able to find the sleeping pills he was looking for in the medicine cabinet with the drawer now labeled "Sleeping" with my handy dandy label maker. With a smitten look in his eyes he smiled at me and said yes, but then said he may have silently cursed me while in the shower earlier because he automatically went to pump shampoo in his hand and ended up with a dollop of conditioner instead. Yes, indeed, his wife had been there with her cleaning-craziness too. So as he tried to juggle keeping the conditioner in one hand so as not to waste it, and now trying to pump shampoo into his other hand and still create a lather to then rinse so he could use the conditioner still lying in wait in his other hand, he silently muttered to himself about my nuttiness. But I know deep down he loves me. He loves my neat-freakishness, my constant reorganizing so he can never find what he's looking for (even though it's probably now clearly labeled with my label maker), and my need to have everything in it's place for my heart to feel at peace and at home. Yes, indeed, he truly adores me.

So as he told me this tale of his shampoo woes, the laughter came out of me. Out of nowhere. Yet also slightly cautiously. Like tasting a new food. Could I do this? Could I still live life and laugh after losing my precious baby? Could I go on with these things just two weeks after burying her? Yes. Yes I could. And I should. For that is life. A time for mourning. A time for weeping. And a time for laughing.

Life moves on. And by life moving on, I am celebrating her short but oh so important life. I hold firm that He is good in all things. I cling tight that He is good. And that He calls my heart to laughter, along with tears. And that He is there in it all.

And I hold tight to organization. To my label maker- which, mind you, is labeled itself. After all, shouldn't a label maker be entitled to taste the fruits of its own labor? Just sayin'...

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Sweet Annalee, we celebrate you. We remember you. We miss you. And we look forward to the day we meet again. But until then sweet daughter, I promise to laugh. A lot. To live life. To its fullest. And to tell you all about it when I see you again. I love you sweet girl. 

XOXOX, 

Your Momma

Annalee Faith Scott

Sweet daughter, I will never forget that day.

I was standing in Target in the cough and cold aisle looking for medicine for your daddy's cough and trying to decide between berry or pomegranate-honey cough drops; Mucinex or Delsym cough syrup. Suddenly sharp and shooting pains hit me, taking my breath away, and making me feel lightheaded. I found a bench near the pharmacy and sat down. Thinking these were round ligament pains hitting me again I thought I would wait it out, get my last items, check out, and head home to rest. Only the pain got worse and I decided to just conquer and get out the store to head home and rest. But upon standing up the pain shot fiercely through me and I decided to leave the last few items on my list and go check out. I didn't make it a few steps before I realized I wouldn't be able to even do that. I left my full cart right there in the middle of Target: a Valentine's Day card for your daddy, training pants for your brothers, two candles on sale that were in my favorite scents, razors for the guest bathroom as I knew I would be using the bigger shower more and more often as my tummy grew along with you, extra shampoo and conditioner, and that cough medicine for your daddy. I slowly made my way out the doors and as I shuffled along I felt a warmth between my legs and when I got to the car I saw the blood all over my pants. I sobbed and sobbed, and I was so scared. Just the morning before I saw you wiggling around and heard your heartbeat on the ultrasound, you were perfect and we celebrated your health. We were finally feeling like we could breathe and celebrate your life. And suddenly a day later your life seemed to be seeping right out of me.

Daddy rushed me to the ER and multiple tests showed your little heart, still beating so beautifully strong. We cried and were so thankful to see you still with us. Bleeding in my uterus was the cause of the blood and the doctors sent me home to check in with my OB tomorrow. But two hours later I knew something was wrong. As I swayed my body to the rhythm of the pain of labor and called out, "Jesus. Oh Jesus" because His name was all I could say in the moment. And then you were suddenly there, right before my eyes, instead of being tucked safely inside my body where you should be. And I wept. I sobbed. And your daddy came and found me. We cradled you in our hands and I whispered to you, "Momma's here hunny. Momma's got you. I'm so sorry sweetie." We examined your ten precious toes and ten tiny fingers, your two little feet and hands, your ears, your eyes, your little umbilical cord, your beautifully knit together organs underneath your delicate skin- kidneys, liver, heart, spine, brain- all so miraculously formed at only 10 weeks old. I held your hand and touched you softly; these were the only moments we would ever spend together and I wanted to cherish them.

We spent the rest of the night in the ER as I couldn't control the blood I was losing. Daddy and I were scared but all we could think of was you and how we so desperately wished we could go home and be pregnant again, dreaming of our future with you. We hadn't even told our families or friends about you yet.

Annalee Faith. We picked your name from a song that is oh so very special to your momma. And in two parts your name (Anna) means grace and (lee) means meadows, and I just love the thought of meadows of grace. Because no matter what, God is good and his mercies and grace are new everyday. We chose Faith because we have to have faith that everything is for a reason; we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). God is good. All the time. No matter how much I hurt. No matter the things I don't understand. I am so thankful for the time He gave us to meet you, hold you, and see how beautiful you are.

Your brothers and your Daddy and I spent precious moments with you, holding you, saying goodbye, and singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star", which is one of your brothers favorite songs. And then together we buried you under one of my favorite flowers, so you will forever be with our family.

There are so many things I was looking forward to with you sweet daughter. You are so loved, so wanted, so anticipated, so celebrated. I can't wait till I get to meet you again and I know you are safe and sound in Jesus's arms. So I'll see you soon daughter, although it may feel like an eternity to me. I just know that day will be so extraordinary. Until then I cling to this truth: The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away; blessed be the name of the Lord.



Please follow the link if you would like to hear the song. You might need to turn up your volume a little bit. Annalee

"Annalee" by J.J.L (chorus)

Annalee, you're my sweetest chocolate, baby. 
Annalee, you're the greatest tune. 
Annalee, you're my favorite woman. 
Annalee, I can't get enough of you.

Annalee, oh I'm gonna miss you. 
Annalee, I'm gonna come home soon. 
Annalee, stay my sugar baby. 
Annalee, I can't get enough of you.

Annalee, you're my favorite subject. 
Annalee, you're my only clue. 
Annalee, you're my only soft spot. 
Annalee, I can't get enough of you.