I've been quiet about this topic for a long time; not quite sure what to say, how much to say, or how to even start putting my feelings into words. And honestly, as I sit here to type this, I still have no idea what to put down in this post.
Today marks one year ago that I gave birth to Annalee. This last year, oh goodness, how it wrecked me. I started 2016 with such joy and hope and peace and when it all came crashing down so suddenly last January 10th I felt lost and swept away in a sea of grief. For months I followed the tides of trying to return to life and being caught up in the waves of loss and aching sadness. For so long I just prayed and prayed for joy to return to my life and heart.
Fast forward to June when we found out I was finally expecting again and my heart stood still. So much of me wanted to rush forward in excitement but then so much held me back with fear. And then we found out this pregnancy was experiencing the exact same subchorionic hematoma complications that caused me to lose Annalee. Every day I waited for the bleeding to begin. For the labor to begin. To bury another little one. I was afraid to breathe, to live life, to leave the house should it happen out in public again. But somehow each day passed and it didn't happen. Somehow at each scan the last hematoma had absorbed, and yet a new one- or two- appeared. And then finally at 20 weeks there were none. And a little hope bloomed slowly in my heart. For weeks people who saw me in everyday life had been guessing I was expecting- I started showing by 8 weeks- but I finally felt ready to tell them.
The PAL journey this last year has been hard. Reliving my first trimester all over again was challenging. The fatigue, the irritability, the nausea, the pains...all of it was so much harder knowing that I had just put my family through that 6 months prior. Knowing that I should be enjoying nesting and kicks and enjoying the planning of bringing a little one home but instead I was starting from scratch- and there were no guarantees this one would make it either. The emotional battle was just as hard as the physical battle. The blessing of being pregnant again was mixed with fear of loss, sadness over missing what I had lost, and guilt over so many conflicting emotions.
I haven't shared much of this pregnancy because of those struggles, plus the logistics of caring for twin toddlers while pregnant and having a hubby who works long hours and often travels overseas for work (several months in a row this last year). After those first 20 weeks I have been blessed with being able to experience a "normal" and beautiful pregnancy. It has been a whole other world to only have one baby in my womb instead of twins. My second trimester was much more enjoyable than it was with the boys. I exercised 5 days a week, had energy, my heartburn didn't kick in until week 28 this time (instead of week 18 with the boys), I slept pretty well, and I had an appetite! I think my third trimester has been much more ideal than the twins, too. Once we reached the point of viability in this pregnancy I felt myself relax a little more, lean into the idea that this baby could be coming home in my arms, and start to prepare our home and hearts for her.
Ironically today, on this anniversary of loss, I watched this current baby girl on the ultrasound screen move and wiggle in my womb. One year ago I prayed in that ER room, "the Lord giveth and taketh away; blessed be the name of the Lord," and indeed He does, for here we are today getting ready to celebrate a new life next month. His plan is surely not ours but I know there is reason and purpose in it.
2016 has taught me that my heart can live in sorrow and joy at the same time. That our sorrows can bring us joy as they draw us nearer to one another. That we each have our hard things that we go through and we can either let them defeat us or we can cling to Him and move forward. And with that, my boys are up from nap and asking to snuggle with momma and baby sister...and that is a blessing I am going to fully indulge in. That is moving forward.
Hugs, love, and blessings for 2017.
