The phone rang.
“Hello, this is Staci,” I answered with a smile. I always try to answer with a smile. A customer service representative once told me you can hear a smile over the telephone.
“Hi Staci, it’s Dr. Pollard. Umm, is now a good time? It’s a little loud where you are.”
“I’m just away for the weekend with some girlfriends,” I told her as I laughed. “There’s nine of us and we are all moms away from our kids so we can finally talk uninterrupted! But I’ve been expecting these test results so it’s fine.”
Dr. Pollard laughed with me and then said seriously, “I don’t want to ruin your weekend. I can call you Monday if you'd like.”
And just like that, I knew. And that was the first weekend of October.
*****
Dr. Pollard laughed with me and then said seriously, “I don’t want to ruin your weekend. I can call you Monday if you'd like.”
And just like that, I knew. And that was the first weekend of October.
*****
As many of you know, October has been a doozy of a month for other reasons too. It was one of those months that felt like running a marathon. I mean, I’ve never ran a marathon, but it seems like it’d be like that. One mile after another or one thing after another. Exhausted but having to push on. No rest in sight. We had three family trips, were robbed, got our stolen property back miraculously, Matt was on paternity leave but hunting for a new job and then starting a new job, and I was trying to wrap my head around this news and a flurry of consultations and appointments.
You see, I have a long family history of breast cancer, and this last summer my dear cousin was diagnosed with breast cancer. She’s been gracious enough to allow us to be a part of her journey and has been staying with us for her chemo treatments at Stanford. Watching my beautiful cousin fight this battle, lose her hair, and face all the sickness, made the cancer in my family seem even more real to me than it did as a teenager watching my grandma fight it and ultimately pass from it. So Matt and I decided to have me tested for the BRCA gene and it came back positive for BRCA2. And that’s the call I got the first weekend of October, while surrounded by some of my closest friends.
What does this mean? These results give me a very high risk of breast, ovarian, and/or pancreatic cancer, as well as an elevated risk for melanoma. For those who work well with numbers my results came back like this:
-Risk of breast cancer: 84% versus general population risk of 7%
-Risk of ovarian cancer: 27% versus general population risk of 0.7%
-Risk of pancreatic cancer: 7% versus general population risk of 1%
Men can also carry this hereditary gene and those who do have a high risk of breast cancer and an elevated risk for prostate cancer. They are also at risk for pancreatic cancer and melanoma. It is advised that anyone who tests positive for this gene work with a multidisciplinary team with experience in the prevention and treatment of cancers associated with these genes. This is also a gene my children have a 50/50 chance of carrying and will possibly want to be tested for after they are 18 years old.
I have created a team at Stanford of a genetic counselor, an oncologist, a breast surgeon, and a plastic surgeon. I feel I am in the very best of hands there. Currently the plan is that I can continue nursing Amy until around her first birthday, then wait three months, and schedule my prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. It will take multiple surgeries and many months of recovery. It will require me to ask for a lot of help and depend on a lot of people. Some people may think this means perky new breasts but it’s not a breast augmentation- it’s a breast amputation. And that’s important to understand. I have until I am 40 to remove both of my ovaries and go into automatic menopause, which will be a whole other kind of change to adjust to but I am thankful I can wait a few more years.
Matthew tells me I’m being brave but my choices are cancer or amputation. That doesn’t feel like much of a choice. And it doesn't feel like I’m being brave. I just want to be here for my family. For my children. For my husband. My cousin told me, “Staci, if I could go back in time and be proactive instead of having cancer and chemo, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.” And so doing a double mastectomy, even though I don't have cancer yet, just feels like something I need to do. Sure, I could get regular MRIs and screening and hope we catch something early enough to treat it but I would feel like I’m living with an anvil over my head and waiting for it to drop. It would feel like “when I get cancer” and not “if I get cancer.”
Matthew tells me I’m being brave but my choices are cancer or amputation. That doesn’t feel like much of a choice. And it doesn't feel like I’m being brave. I just want to be here for my family. For my children. For my husband. My cousin told me, “Staci, if I could go back in time and be proactive instead of having cancer and chemo, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.” And so doing a double mastectomy, even though I don't have cancer yet, just feels like something I need to do. Sure, I could get regular MRIs and screening and hope we catch something early enough to treat it but I would feel like I’m living with an anvil over my head and waiting for it to drop. It would feel like “when I get cancer” and not “if I get cancer.”
Because the BRCA gene means my body is at a disadvantage when trying to do what it should do naturally- fight tumors- it’s even more important for me (and my family as my children could carry the gene) to go as organic and natural as possible. There are many things in our world today which interact with our bodies and can cause tumors- items in soaps, detergents, shampoos, makeup, cleaning supplies, processed food, deodorant, candles, etc- and limiting the chemicals in our home can help our bodies not have to fight so hard against them. So I’ve researched and compared and researched some more and have finally found some companies and products I feel good about bringing into our home. It’s been a big change, but one highly suggested by my oncologist, and one I feel is necessary.
As I look ahead to 2018 I have to admit I am filled with a lot of fear. I have fear of surgery and pain and recovery. Fear of looking disfigured. Fear of what it will be like to lose all feeling in my chest as all the nerves will be scraped away along with the tissue. But mainly fear of missing time with my children. After Annalee I know even more so to cherish each moment, and I feel like Amy is growing so fast. The thought of missing so much time snuggling her, carrying her, holding her, and caring for her just wrecks my heart. But I remind myself that missing this time now is in hopes of not missing time in the future. But she is only this small once. And I just want to wrap my arms around her and breathe her in. I just want to let my boys run up and squeeze me tight and carry them to bed because I never know when they’ll be too big and the last time for that will be. Time marches on so quickly.
I’ve chosen to share this news because I believe 100% that knowledge is powerful. Being blessed with the opportunity to be proactive, instead of reactive to a cancer diagnosis, is something I do not take lightly. Some people may feel my medical plan is overreacting and drastic, and that’s their opinion, but I have some of the best doctors in the country and I am going to follow their strong opinions instead because ultimately this is my life I am trying to save.
All my love,
Staci
As I look ahead to 2018 I have to admit I am filled with a lot of fear. I have fear of surgery and pain and recovery. Fear of looking disfigured. Fear of what it will be like to lose all feeling in my chest as all the nerves will be scraped away along with the tissue. But mainly fear of missing time with my children. After Annalee I know even more so to cherish each moment, and I feel like Amy is growing so fast. The thought of missing so much time snuggling her, carrying her, holding her, and caring for her just wrecks my heart. But I remind myself that missing this time now is in hopes of not missing time in the future. But she is only this small once. And I just want to wrap my arms around her and breathe her in. I just want to let my boys run up and squeeze me tight and carry them to bed because I never know when they’ll be too big and the last time for that will be. Time marches on so quickly.
I’ve chosen to share this news because I believe 100% that knowledge is powerful. Being blessed with the opportunity to be proactive, instead of reactive to a cancer diagnosis, is something I do not take lightly. Some people may feel my medical plan is overreacting and drastic, and that’s their opinion, but I have some of the best doctors in the country and I am going to follow their strong opinions instead because ultimately this is my life I am trying to save.
All my love,
Staci
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