Struggle & Support

Staying positive requires a good sense of humor  :)

WARNING: This post is very personal, and therefore, needs to be completely blunt as I’m learning to speak up in support of myself. Thank you! Xoxo, Staci

I've struggled with deciding on how to continue sharing about IVF. 

It was so painful last time to know that while I was dealing with the hardest moments of my life, and somehow managed to put it online for the world to see in hope of avoiding being asked painful questions, some of those closest to us were still unaware because they hadn't looked. It's easy for me- who's so wrapped up in the moment and heartache- to think that if they cared then they would check in, but I know that thoughts like that are completely unfair and unreasonable. After all, everyone else has their own daily lives to deal with, their own struggles, and checking my blog everyday isn't a priority. In my non-medicated/hormonal times of reason, I totally get it. But when my heart is breaking, being asked those questions (and knowing the questions come from not checking) makes the heartache even deeper. So I struggled with this next round and what to say. 

Do I keep it to myself and then still get asked the questions? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything in the first place and just dealt with all the negative talk behind my back about why I canceled plans, why I quit my job, why I didn't go to a child's birthday party. What's more painful- hiding it or showing it? 

Being told you're infertile, as either a man or a woman, is crushing. It shakes your very understanding of who you are- if I'm a woman then I am designed to create, carry, and nurture a baby...but if I can't even do that, then who am I? What am I worth? 

So when you're dealing with struggles about your worth on top of endless doctor appointments (which violate every shred of privacy you and your spouse had, aside from just yourself) and side effects of torturous medications, the last thing you want is to feel belittled, or guilty, or like a further failure than your body is already telling you that you are. So it’s crucial that you learn to support yourself, that you read books to learn and help cope, that you try and stay positive, and that you seek others to lean on when you feel like you’re on the edge of breaking. I’m also learning that it’s critical to educate others.

Research has shown that dealing with infertility is like dealing with a life-threatening illness. And I wonder, if you thought I was dying and having critical life-saving treatments, would you check in? Or is it easier to think, “It’s just making a baby. How hard can it be?” I know before I walked in these shoes, that that’s probably what I would have thought. Even though I watched my sister walk this path, I still didn’t get it. So how can I expect others to understand? The honest answer is that I can’t, and that’s okay.

So while I can’t ask for you to understand, I can ask for support, because I desperately need support. To those who are closest to us, please help us by educating yourselves- do a little reading (there’s endless books), Google “how to support someone during IVF”, or “what do I do after a friend has a miscarriage.” It’s okay to not know, but all you need to do is ask. To those who are on the sidelines cheering us on- thank you! That’s all we ask of you! Staying positive is hard work and your encouragement really helps.

That being said, I do feel like I need to help others know what doesn’t help. Some of the more painful things to hear are (and what someone going through IVF would likely reply):

-Just don’t think about it so much and it will happen [Would you tell someone remodeling his or her entire house to just “not think about it” and it would get done faster? I’m getting poked with needles multiple times per day, seeing my doctor every week (if not every day), and spending our savings on this…not to mention it’s my life’s dream. How easy do you think it is to “not think about it”?]

-You’re lucky. We would love to have some time without our kids! [You’re blessed to have children]

-If you wouldn’t get so stressed about it, maybe… [Not be stressed? My body is raging with hormones and I’m worried all this hard work will only tell me I’m still a failure at doing the one thing a body is supposed to do!]

-I know exactly how you feel. It took us two months to conceive! [It just took me two minutes to compose myself so I didn’t punch you in the face]

-I was hoping for a girl. [Be thankful for what you’ve been blessed with]

-This was an accident. I didn’t want to be pregnant during the summer! [Do you know what I would give just to be pregnant?!]

-I can just lay in bed with my husband and get pregnant! [Must be nice]

-Maybe God doesn’t want you to have children. [I pray everyday that if I’m not meant to have children that He would take this desire away but instead it only increases]

-Have you tried…? [To everything…YES!]

-Don’t worry, you can always adopt! [While I love adoption, would I be doing all this if adoption were our first goal????]

-I know at least three people who have had successful IVF! [Great! I know people become professional athletes but that doesn’t mean that I’ll become one]

Some things that are supportive during IVF are:

-Leaving a message via phone, text, or social media to tell her that you are thinking of her and care…with no expectation that she get back to you (because who knows what she’s going through right then, which is why you wanted to be supportive, right?)

-Sending “thinking of you” cards in the mail with an encouraging note

-Acknowledging that certain holidays (Christmas, Mother’s day, etc) can be hard, but doing so privately and without putting her on the spot

-Sending a positive infertility book or devotional with a simple note

-If you know she’s just undergone a major IVF step, or received devastating news, sending flowers is a thoughtful way to show her you care and honor the moment with her

-Simply saying, “We’re thinking of you,” “I’m praying for you,” “We love you,” or “Please let us know if there’s anything we can do.” Sending social media “hugs” is also a nice treat! (Saying more than these things is fine of course, too, keeping in mind the list above)

Now if you’re thinking, “Uh oh, I did one of the not-so-great things,” don’t worry. Don’t feel bad over what you didn’t know! Statistics say that 1 in 6 couples go through infertility, so please take this education with you as you help anyone else you know facing the same struggles I do!

All this being said (and WHEW was it a lot!), my plan with our next round is to keep it slightly more private. We will be repeating the last round but with a slightly different batch of medications/hormones and I will be staying close to our doctor for a large chunk of it. This will mean long distance for Matt and me, which will create a whole new need for support. :) Since you know much of what will be happening and how it works (from my posts last round), I will only be posting about major events (without much detail) and asking that you keep those in your thoughts and prayers. I’ve decided on this path after hearing from so many how helpful it’s been to know and learn alongside of us, and wanting to help others was much of the reason I decided to go public in the first place. So if you are facing or going through the same thing, please feel free to privately contact me and ask any questions, but keep in mind that the timing of my response will depend on where I’m at emotionally. I want to be an open book to you, but to self-preserve, I may need to take my time.

Lots of hugs and thanks to all!

Staci