Guilt is a powerful thing. Some people revolt against it with self righteousness and pride while some surrender into it and cannot move beyond its grasp, giving up their life to it. Either way, guilt can be an all consuming emotion. When you have a chronic illness most side effects are clearly listed: fatigue, aches, pain, lack of sleep, difficulty concentrating. Funny how they never mention guilt.
We wear so many hats in our lives and relationships that, when you suffer from a chronic illness, it's easy to feel you are constantly letting those hats fall to the floor in a jumbled mess and therefore failing in your various roles, which therein brings on feelings of guilt. My hats look like this: wife, daughter, sister, employee, aunt, friend, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, pet parent (yes, it's a ridiculous term but I heard it on a commercial), and then somehow there should be a role about being myself. That's an important hat too, right? So many days I feel like I've failed them all and I have to remind myself that I haven't failed if I've done my best. It's hard when I then question: What is my best?
Some days are harder than others. Some days it's literally a mental choice to make every move. Nothing is automatic or spontaneous or easy. Every move hurts my whole body and it's sheer willpower that gets me through the day until I can get home and collapse. Some days are easier but I still have to make the choice to get up and take each step, it's just not as totally exhausting as other days. When I envision my best, I envision being the energizer bunny with loads of patience, humor, sincerity, and wisdom. So when my "best" looks like moving slowly, needing to take breaks, needing to sit, needing to take my time getting up to get someone something, and sometimes having less patience due to frustration over my pain, it's easy for me to feel guilty that I'm not juggling my hats better.
As a wife I feel like I should have more energy to create hobby's and spend active time with my husband. But I've been in pain since high school, and all those years that other people are cultivating their hobbies, I've been spending on a couch or in bed resting. I'd love to be able to sit at my sewing machine and create, or learn to crochet and knit. I'd love to go on a hike or play sports in a park. I'd love to workout and swim everyday. I dream of the day that maybe I can.
As a daughter, sister, and aunt, I feel like I should Skype every week. Visit more often. Take my nephews for exciting day trips, and send them notes in the mail. I feel like I should call home more often to check in and catch up. I should keep in better touch with my grandparents and relatives. Take trips with my cousins. Be able to jump from one activity to another. In reality though I'm mentally and physically exhausted, I can't focus, and I can't think straight. It makes me so sad to think that I'm often too tired and in too much pain to even write someone a note. My once pretty handwriting has turned to chicken scratch because sometimes it's hard to even hold my pen.
I'm the type of person who loves to be independent, has a strong work ethic, and feels like I should be able to pick myself up by my bootstraps (so to speak) and "get over it." I feel so guilty that I can't! I hate when I'm at work where I want to do my best, and instead I need to sit down or I can't play like I'd like. I think to myself, "I'm not getting paid to rest. Get going!" but my body tells me, "Bahahahaha!" and laughs cruelly at me while it tells me to park it for a minute. It's so hard to feel trapped in a body that doesn't act like you want it to. Guilt. Guilt! GUILT!
I'm so hopeful that this will all get figured out soon. Please be praying (or sending positive thoughts or what else) that my doctor will have wisdom in putting these pieces together, getting a diagnosis, and getting me put back together [my next appointment is this Friday]. This week I was so encouraged when it suddenly dawned on me (duh!) that my diagnosis is NOT a mystery. God KNOWS what is going on in my body, and with His time, I know He will make it clear and provide the help I need. Until then, I need to count on Him to get me through each day, and sometimes, even each second. I also know that if I do my best, whatever that may be at this time, then there is no need to feel guilty.
Part of doing my best is keeping a positive attitude, and seeing how that's especially hard to do when you feel like poo, I know that if I can do that then right there I have made a huge accomplishment for the day. If I keep my sincerity in caring for others and focusing on them over myself then that's a victory- even if I can't show it as I'd like to at the moment. And if I can keep my patience even when I'm feeling worn out and worn down, then that's a blessing too. Lastly, if I can keep my humor even when things feel like they're falling apart, then that is also something to celebrate. I know that if everyday I can remind myself of these things and accomplish them, then I have everything to be proud of and nothing to feel guilty for.
