Hope vs Hopeless

Hope 
(noun) The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that eventually will turn out for the best; a person or thing in which expectations are centered. (verb) To look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence; to believe, desire, or trust.

Hopeless 
(adjective) Providing no hope, beyond optimism or hope, desperate. Without hope, despairing.

Sometimes when struggling with ongoing challenges it's easy to battle having hope and feeling hopeless. Having hope means setting yourself up for the possibility that things won't go as desired, but giving up and settling on hopeless means there's no chance for joy. I think of so many people waiting for a line on a pregnancy stick. You want it to be positive but when it's not your world falls apart for a moment. The choice is to keep hoping and try again next month- as much as it hurts- or give up and turn your back on your dream. I have two PRECIOUS nephews because of hope. And I'm counting on other beloved family members to join us due to hope whether it be from a doctor's assistance or a government agency or a blessing from within. There are so many other people in the world struggling with this battle of hope- food for another day, freedom, a job in hard times- I would be a fool to think I am the only one who struggles with deciding on hope instead of letting hopelessness creep in.

My doctor appointment yesterday did not go as I hoped. I had diligently kept my journal post-procedure and marked down all I was feeling, activity levels, and medications taken. I wrote down things I hadn't thought much about before but suddenly they felt like they could be significant. I was sure that I would "waltz" in (really this looks more like me shuffling like an old lady in pain but in my mind I like to think I can waltz) and laying it all out for him to look at. He would examine my copious notes and exclaim, "Ah ha! I know what it is!" and burst out with a diagnosis. Think I set myself up to fail? *sigh* Hindsight can be so frustrating and taunting.

It really went more like this: shuffle shuffle in. slowly sit down. wait for doctor. doctor comes in. we talk about my notes. he shrugs and says, "I really don't know where to go from here or what to do for you." WHAT?!?!?! I am proud to say I held it together until I reached my car, where I then proceeded to bawl my eyes out...all the way to the market, where I had to buy groceries before Matt got home, and where I forgot the lotto tickets my husband asked me to get. *sigh again*


So here's where I'm at. There is no obvious physical evidence to point to the cause of my back pain. The doctor thinks that perhaps I have (ok really I'm not sure about any of this and was pretty confused with what he was saying so this is my best guess) overactive nerves that are more sensitive to pain than other people. My brain sends out signals pointing to areas of pain when there is really no cause of pain at that site. I'm still pretty confused and I'm looking to schedule a second opinion but until then I am taking a medication he prescribed that is supposed to help with chronic pain in situations like this. Last night it went fine (no horrible side effects) and I'm going to keep taking it for now to see if I feel any better.

I was feeling pretty hopeless after my appointment- like I was back to being called crazy by my doctors and not knowing what to do next. Not to mention Matt was sleeping overseas and I had to wait until later to talk with him about it. I am glad to say I chose hope though and we're moving forward to keep fighting. Sometimes you get knocked down and it hurts, but you have to get back up and keep going to find what you're looking for. You certainly won't find it on the floor.