10 Things I've Learned

I've learned quite a few things during infertility and pregnancy, but mainly, I've learned that there seems to be no boundaries when it comes to what people will say. Sadly, I have to admit I have asked a few of these myself in the past. I thought I would compose a quick list so we can all learn and help those ladies near and dear to us who are expecting, or praying to.

1. "When do you plan on starting a family?"

This question is not only very personal but also can be very hurtful to someone who is trying and struggling, or has recently had a loss they are not sharing about. I have asked this question many times, thinking it was just chit-chat, but after struggling through infertility I realized how personal it really is. 

What to say: Nothing. Wait for someone to offer that information and then talk about it.

2. "Have you tried....?"

If someone has confided in you that they are trying to start a family but struggling, don't offer suggestions, no matter how well intended. Trust me, people know how a baby is made. They don't need any advice. That's just awkward and uncomfortable. 

What to say: "Thank you for sharing with me. Please let me know if there's any way I can support you."

3. "WOW! You look ready to pop!"

Would you normally tell a woman how huge she looks? No? Then let's not tell a hormonal pregnant woman that. She is fully aware of how she looks and doesn't need the reminder. It's also not wise to remind her how big her belly is when she still has quite a few more weeks to go. On the other hand, a pregnant woman also (typically) doesn't want to hear, "You don't even look pregnant!" because most likely she FEELS very pregnant and might as well look it if she feels it. Pregnant women can be very sensitive about the changes in their bodies. They don't need reminders that hormones are causing them to break out, they've gained weight, their curves have shifted, or their belly button has popped out. 

What to say: "You look beautiful!" or "Pregnancy really becomes you!"

4. "Enjoy your sleep while you can!"

This is currently my number one pet peeve. I'm not sleeping, I'm utterly exhausted, and I'm fully aware that I won't be getting any more rest when these babies come. I don't need a reminder or the added pressure that life as I know it is soon to be over. Most pregnant women I know feel exactly the same. 

What to say: "I hope you've been able to rest and take care of yourself."

5. "TWINS?! Are they natural?"

My response: "Last time I checked, it only took two ingredients to make a baby so I'm pretty sure that's considered natural." I know twins are a curiosity and that's why people ask this question (or the ever popular, "Do they run in your family?"), but it's hard to know how to answer this if they are conceived with the help of a doctor. 

What to say: "How extra sweet! Congrats!" 

6. "BOYS?! You're going to have your hands full!"

My current second biggest pet peeve. We all know boys are busy and messy and loud...and sweet, and fun, and love their mama's. Mom's of boys don't need a reminder that their once tidy house is going to be forever changed or that the noise volume is going to rise exponentially. 

What to say: Encourage them with the joys of boys, and children in general.  

7. "Do you plan on giving birth naturally?"

First of all, this question is so personal! I know it's a common question these days but it really shouldn't be. Only the parents and doctor need to discuss this question. Secondly, how "natural" is child birth these days? I'm pretty sure that with pitocin, epidurals, and other methods doctors use to deliver babies, that definition has drastically changed. 

What to say: "I'll be praying all goes well on your little ones' birthday! We can't wait to meet him/her/them!"

8. "Can I rub your belly?"

Some women love this, some women don't. You just don't know. For most women it's not awkward for a woman to pat her tummy, but it can seem awkward if a man does. I've heard that for most women they don't mind sharing the joy of the movement inside (it is a special thing after all!) but when they aren't really showing and there's no movement, it feels like someone is patting her belly and can be very uncomfortable. 

What to say: Most people don't ask at all, but if you do ask, be prepared for her to say no. If she does oblige, make it speedy. Your hand doesn't need to be there any longer than it takes to say "baby" unless she invites you to stay longer. If a woman smiles, laughs, or encourages your belly rub then go for it! If she isn't doing those things then your touch probably isn't welcome. 

9. "Do you plan on breastfeeding?"

When else is it appropriate to ask about a woman's breasts? Never? Okay, then let's keep it that way. ;)

What to say: If a woman has shared that she plans on breastfeeding (or bottle feeding), be supportive. Offer her suggestions after she has started the topic. New moms have enough worries and pressure that they don't need added horror stories or wagging fingers. 

10. "So I guess you're done now, right?" 

Families come in all shapes and sizes, and plans change. Don't assume a family is "complete" just because you think it should be, or even because the parents said they might be. Who knows what could happen! :)

What to say: Just focus on the special little one/s they do have and leave the future to itself. 

Hopefully this brings insight to some, and a smile to those of you who have experienced these things and can agree! Everything about pregnancy is incredible and ever-changing and this post certainly isn't mean to be a negative take on it, just a statement of how it can be and how to help!