Hope & Joy

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Romans 15:13
May the God go hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holly Spirit. 

Disneyland Trip

Last week we took the boys to Disneyland for the first time. We stayed at the Disneyland Hotel and did park hopper passes to Disneyland and California Adventure. We left by 5:30am Monday morning and were back home by 5:30pm on Thursday. It was a great trip and we are SO glad we did it! The boys loved the parks, rides, parades, food, hotel, and pool. The details of this trip are more for my own memory lane and reference but I thought everyone might enjoy some pictures!

DISNEYLAND

RIDES
Enchanted Tiki Room (Adventureland)
Jungle Cruise (Adventureland)
Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (Critter Country)
Mark Twin Riverboat (Frontierland)
Casey Jr. Circus Train (Fantasyland)
Dumbo the Flying Elephant (Fantasyland)
Mad Tea Party (Fantasyland)
Storybook Land Canal Boats (Fantasyland)
It's A Small World (Fantasyland)
King Arthur Carrousel (Fantasyland)
Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage (Tomorrowland)
Autopia (Tomorrowland)
Astro Orbiter (Tomorrowland) [Lucas only]

PARADE
Paint the Night

FOOD
Refreshment Corner (Main Street)
Tiki Juice Bar (Adventureland)
Hungry Bear Restaurant (Critter Country)
French Market Restuarant (New Orleans Square)
Village Haus Restaurant (Fantasyland)

We checked out the whole park and I sent Matt on the Pirates of the Caribbean since he had never been and that seemed unacceptable to me. :)

CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE

RIDES
Francis' Ladybug Boogie (A Bug's Land) [Lucas only]
Flik's Flyers (A Bug's Land) [Lucas only]
Tuck & Roll's Drive 'Em Buggies (A Bug's Land) [Lucas only]
Heimlich's Chew Chew Train (A Bug's Land) [Andrew and I did this over and over while Matt and Lucas were doing other rides]
Mater's Junkyard Jamboree (Cars Land)
Luigi's Rollickin' Roadsters (Cars Land)
Radiator Springs Racers (Cars Land) [Lucas only since he is 40"]

PARADE
Pixar Play Parade

We walked through the whole park but due to the boys' interests and size we didn't do many rides here. I think their favorite part was Cars Land and meeting Red the fire engine and Mator the tow truck and getting to see Lighting McQueen in the parade.

Andrew ended up with a little cold so he was feeling a little run down, and he also wasn't a fan of the spinning rides (like his momma).

DOWNTOWN DISNEY

FOOD
Rainforest Cafe
La Brea Bakery Cafe
Starbucks (let's be real people)
Ralph Brennan's Jazz Kitchen Express

PICTURES

5:30am departure but happy as can be 

Rainforest Cafe (they were terrified of the elephants they first sat us by)

Rainforest Cafe

Downtown Disney

Finding Nemo

Finding Nemo

Finding Nemo

Autopia (Rider Switch with toddlers is not my idea of a good time, people)

Dumbo

Dumbo

Tea Cups

Small World

Small World

Castle

As close as we got to most of the characters :)

Except in Cars Land where we met Red and Mator (I still need to get that picture downloaded)

Junkyard Jamboree

Andrew

Luigi's Rollickin' Roadsters

Tuck & Roll's Drive 'Em Buggies

Lucas

Lucas & Matt in the backseat of Radiator Springs Racers

Disneyland

Carrousel

Carrousel

Carrousel

Mickey balloons, but of course

The boys each got to pick one special toy to take home

Fun At The Hotel Pool

Andrew swimming

Lucas swimming

2.5 Year Old Update

In June the boys turned 2.5 years old and it's now August so I thought I would give a quick run down on what we have been doing these last 7....yikes!...months.

On New Year's Day we decided to plan some family trips this year since the boys were older, taking less naps, more independent, and needing less supplies while traveling. We also were getting restless to explore and travel again after almost 3 years of being at home due to IVF, pregnancy, and infant twins.

So in February we headed to Twain Harte in northern CA to take the boys to the snow for the first time. We rented a great little cabin and watched Ratatouille, put together puzzles, played in the snow, and were able to spend some really sweet time with my family in Sonora, a little town next-door to Twain Harte. The boys loved tubing in the snow but didn't love anything else about it. There were a lot of tears and we only lasted about an hour but we were so glad we did it and will certainly try again.

In March we took the boys on their first airplane trip and headed to San Diego. We did the usual tourist stops to see San Diego Zoo and SeaWorld and we spent lots of time in the hotel pool, playing on the water slides, as well as walking around the harbor in front of our hotel. While the boys did great, we realized flying with twins and luggage and car seats is a lot to handle and we decided to  wait a bit till our next flight with them, which meant canceling our Maui trip we had planned for April. There'll be another time! :)

In April my grandma from Tucson came to stay with us and meet the boys for the first time. The boys fell in love with her and they spent lots of time on the floor together reading books, playing with trains, and entertaining her. They love their GG, and especially the jams she makes and sends us!

During some of Matt's China trips we have headed down to Ventura, as well as for some family gatherings, and enjoyed a lot of time with our cousins. The boys also love playing with trucks in my parent's front yard, playing in the pool, blowing bubbles at Auntie Melissa's, seeing Ziggy the Piggy (Mel's pet guinea pig), sharing Ben & Nathan's toys at their house, exploring the harbor and beach boardwalk, and collecting rolly polly's at Great Grandpa Al's house.

We've been continuing with the boys' gymnastics class and in June they graduated to the next age group. They love their teachers and the freedom to run, jump, tumble, and play. It's often mentioned as their favorite part of the day during bedtime prayers. We are keeping them signed up through the summer and the next year. It's great to have them not only get their wiggles out, but be able to follow direction and be in a group setting.

The 4th of July is a big deal in our neighborhood and this year we celebrated with some friends while we watched our neighborhood parade, were sprayed by firemen, and ate yummy BBQ. Also, last month we took the boys to the San Francisco Symphony to see Ratatouille. They are really into music right now so seeing all the instruments was very exciting. Plus, they love the movie! :) July also brought the boys' first trip to the dentist. Well, technically Andrew has been twice before for when he fell and chipped his tooth, but this was their first teeth cleaning. Lucas made it through with no tears and had all his teeth cleaned and polished. Andrew was a little scared after this previous visits so we only got a few teeth cleaned, but we'll be going every 6 months now so hopefully he will come around.

We have also been working on potty learning this year. It's been a slower process but it's working for us. Let me tell you, potty learning with twins is not for the faint of heart! I've done this a few times before but twins has been a TOTAL game changer! My old approach is out and my new approach is to ask every day if they want to wear diapers or underpants. We provide all the encouragement and opportunity we can, as well as a supportive environment, and trust them to lead the way. Most days Lucas prefers underpants and is pretty successful, but Andrew is still a little unsure, mainly sticking to trying right before bath time every night. Although that doesn't surprise me since Lucas has always been the first to do anything physical- rolling over, sitting, crawling, walking. Potty learning is very physical so understandably he is taking the lead this time, too. However, Andrew remains very supportive, clapping and telling Lucas how proud he is of him. It's pretty adorable! I feel like we are on the right track and I have no desire to put too much pressure on them or myself with the process.

The other major change this year has been converting their cribs to toddler beds in July. We started with an app that works as a toddler alarm clock so they would know when they could get up in the morning or from nap. I think that really helped because moving them into beds hasn't been too rough. They haven't come out of their room, but there are times we have to remind them to get back into their own beds or stop having pillow fights or quiet the giggles...but really, that's not so bad. :) I love that they share a room, are so close, and will have sweet memories.

Admittedly, this year has been really tough, but the boys have been pretty good troopers. They continue to be the joy in our days and bring us lots of laughter. We love their snuggles, hearing their thoughts and sharing conversations, and watching them accomplish new things.

Weeping, Waiting, or Hoping on Easter Morning

As Easter has approached I have been thinking more and more about this story that I know so well: Good Friday, the Last Supper, praying in the Garden, the arrest, the trial, the brutality my Christ endured, His sacrifice and death, and His resurrection and salvation offered to me. But this year I have been wrestling with this story in a whole new perspective: from the point of view of grief and hopelessness. 

I've been thinking about Jesus pouring out His life and love on these people, doing his best to show them and teach them all they needed to know. Building relationships. Calming their fears. Meeting their needs. And then in his biggest time of need, they fell asleep. I think about this and cry because we each know what that feels like: to feel alone; abandoned; forgotten about in the midst of our deepest trials and grief by those who say they love us most. And Jesus knows what that feels like, too. Even when I feel most alone, I know I am not because he knows. So I think about Jesus kneeling in that garden in the dark, in the night- much like how my own grief feels, so dark and hardest at night- and how he wrestled with the task before him and how he begged his friends to pray with him and yet they all fell asleep. Jesus knew what was being asked of him. He knew the pain and hardship- the impossible task- that was before him. It felt so overwhelming that he asked God to please let there be another way if it was possible. But the answer was still clear. It had to be him. And as he wrestled with that unimaginable fact, his friends slept. 

And then I think about those friends. The ones who promised to follow him, to serve him- even those who promised to stay awake and pray with him. So many people gave everything to follow Jesus. They hung onto his every word. They served him and those he asked them to serve. They believed he was the long promised Messiah. They had such hope for the salvation he would bring. The new life he promised them. But suddenly, on that Easter weekend, all their beliefs and hopes- everything they had given and given up- was thrown into turmoil. What did His death mean to each of them?

I am filled with questions as I examine this story. Here in 2016 I know the end of the story. On that Friday night, God knew the end of the story. But Jesus's followers didn't. And they were left to weep, to wait, or to hope. I wonder on that Friday night how they each dealt with their grief. I think of how deep and painful that must have felt. Not only did they watch him- their best friend, a family member, a son- brutally tortured and killed, but they also watched the death of their hopes and dreams. The One who was supposed to save them and make things new was gone. Their hope was dead. 

I wonder if some of them snuck away to solitude and wept all night in anguish and confusion. I wonder if some of them were physically ill as images of the day assaulted their minds. I wonder if they cried out angrily to God. I wonder if they ran through every moment- every experience from years past- in their mind, and questioned what they missed, asked where they went wrong, sought after what were they missing. I wonder if they sat together and discussed all these things. I wonder if some of them couldn't stand the pain and tried to distract themselves in ways that numbed their bodies. Today we treat our grief the same way: we cry, we question, we try to run from it, we try to numb it. But sometimes we also try to face it. We decide to walk through it. To still cling to that little bit of hope. To still trust that even though we don't see the end- we don't see that Easter Sunday morning- God has a plan in place. I wonder, did any of Jesus's disciples try to face it? Did they all get lost in their grief or did some of them still cling to hope? 

I think about how long that weekend must have felt. The waiting to see if Jesus would suddenly overcome those who tortured him. Wondering when the skies would open and God would reach down and stop the affliction. And then burying Jesus instead and simply waiting....what would happen now, would someone else come to save them, would Jesus somehow still overcome? How long and dark and heavy and crushing that weekend must have felt. But then came Sunday morning.

Mary, the diligent one, came to Jesus’ tomb. We know the story of how she found it empty and then was told to go tell the disciples he had indeed risen. But I think about who Mary was. Mark tells us she was a woman whom Jesus had driven seven demons out of and she then devoted her life to him. John tells us that this woman, whom we know was rescued by Jesus and one of the closest women to him, encountered him at his grave but didn't recognize him… until he called her by name. Again, tears come to my eyes as I think of what that moment must have been like for her. So lost in her grief, so devastated by her loss of her hope, but still so determined to serve and honor him, suddenly had her hope ignited again as she heard her precious Lord say her name. As he called to her. I wonder if it was a command or a whisper of endearment. I think on how her heart must have leapt. The smile that must have overcome her face. Sometimes in our grief and hopelessness, all we need to is to hear His soft whisper to sustain us, ignite us, and send us on our mission. 

So this year on Easter I am not challenged by wether or not I believe the story- indeed I do- but I am challenged by the lives of those who lived it. My heart is softened to the grief they must have endured that weekend and how that deep grief allowed them to experience even greater joy on Sunday morning. Hebrews 6 tells us God is the hope and anchor for our soul because of what Jesus did that Easter morning. So when the grief becomes too much and the hopelessness tries to take over, remember we are not alone in those feelings…indeed Jesus and those who knew him best struggled through those same feelings…but those feelings are not the truth. The truth is that Sunday morning always comes. 

Helping Someone During Grief

Grief. It is so powerful and deep and all consuming. And it is hard for others to watch you walk through it; hard to know what to say or do. I thought I would just write a little post to encourage those of you who are struggling with that very aspect, either with us or someone else in your life. 

1. Fill their table. Going through grief, I have had no appetite, no energy. But I have a family who still needs nourishment and meals. And we cannot thank our friends and family enough who brought meals and groceries this last month. Even if they couldn't cook, they had something delivered or simply gave cash for us to bring something in. Thank you. 

2. Honor their loss. Many friends and family have sent flowers, cards, gifts, personalized gifts, texts, calls, emails, FB messages. All of these things have let us know we are not forgotten. That we are deeply loved by a wide community and that Annalee's life mattered greatly. Thank you. 

3. Help shoulder the burden. Some of you have stayed over while we were in the hospital. Some have offered to watch the boys just to give Matt and me time together. Some of you have simply held me as I cried and shared that burden of hurt with me. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for stepping into that dark place with me, holding me, and just crying with me. I will never forgot those moments and those people.  

4. Meet practical needs. Perhaps your loved one needs a break, a hand cleaning the house, getting groceries in the fridge, or an errand run. Thank you to those who came and stayed those first days and kept our family running when I could not get out of bed. Thank you to those who took my Littles out of the house when I couldn't get myself together, or watched them when I had yet another doctor appointment to go to.  

5. Just be available. Respond to texts, emails, messages, or calls when someone has the courage to reach out and let you know they need you. You don't have to say the "perfect thing" because there is no such thing. You don't have to do it all. Just your presence and response can be enough. Thank you to those who have simply showed up for us.

6. Don't underestimate the power of an, "I'm so sorry." Saying nothing is almost the worst response. Silence doesn't acknowledge loss or ache. But simply saying, "I'm so sorry" truly goes so far. It doesn't matter how much time has gone by and you still haven't said anything. The heart behind those words is so powerful. It lets them know you are grieving with them and they are not alone. Sometimes this simple sentence is exactly the balm my heart needs in a painful moment. Thank you to those of you who have been that balm. 

7. And lastly, don't forget. Grief doesn't ever go away. It doesn't have a time limit. It doesn't expire. Check in daily, in a few weeks, in a few months, a few years...continue to let them know you are thinking of them. Because life goes on. And they will feel forgotten. These check-ins remind them that they are not forgotten and that is so powerful. Thank you to those who have been there, doing this throughout this last month, and whom I know will continue to remind us we are in their prayers and thoughts. It helps keep me going.

The First Laugh

It's been two weeks since Annalee's birth and passing and last night I laughed again for the first time. The feeling was foreign and hard to process: so good, but also suddenly so wrong. I felt guilty. And then after I felt the laughter spontaneously bubble up and out of me, I felt tears slip silently down my cheeks.

.....

My dear husband knows, in a way I think he finds adorably annoying, that I process things by cleaning and organizing. So for a few days now our house has been in a deep purge and he has lovingly stood by and supported me by taking care of the others things so I could do this one thing that somehow helped me feel better and helped me make sense of my life- something in life I could control. Well, in part of my cleaning and reorganizing I had cleaned and "updated" the items in the shower by moving the soaps, shampoo, and conditioner around. Unknowingly to him.

So last night as I thanked him for putting up with and standing by my organization madness I tried to crack a tiny joke about if he was able to find the sleeping pills he was looking for in the medicine cabinet with the drawer now labeled "Sleeping" with my handy dandy label maker. With a smitten look in his eyes he smiled at me and said yes, but then said he may have silently cursed me while in the shower earlier because he automatically went to pump shampoo in his hand and ended up with a dollop of conditioner instead. Yes, indeed, his wife had been there with her cleaning-craziness too. So as he tried to juggle keeping the conditioner in one hand so as not to waste it, and now trying to pump shampoo into his other hand and still create a lather to then rinse so he could use the conditioner still lying in wait in his other hand, he silently muttered to himself about my nuttiness. But I know deep down he loves me. He loves my neat-freakishness, my constant reorganizing so he can never find what he's looking for (even though it's probably now clearly labeled with my label maker), and my need to have everything in it's place for my heart to feel at peace and at home. Yes, indeed, he truly adores me.

So as he told me this tale of his shampoo woes, the laughter came out of me. Out of nowhere. Yet also slightly cautiously. Like tasting a new food. Could I do this? Could I still live life and laugh after losing my precious baby? Could I go on with these things just two weeks after burying her? Yes. Yes I could. And I should. For that is life. A time for mourning. A time for weeping. And a time for laughing.

Life moves on. And by life moving on, I am celebrating her short but oh so important life. I hold firm that He is good in all things. I cling tight that He is good. And that He calls my heart to laughter, along with tears. And that He is there in it all.

And I hold tight to organization. To my label maker- which, mind you, is labeled itself. After all, shouldn't a label maker be entitled to taste the fruits of its own labor? Just sayin'...

.....

Sweet Annalee, we celebrate you. We remember you. We miss you. And we look forward to the day we meet again. But until then sweet daughter, I promise to laugh. A lot. To live life. To its fullest. And to tell you all about it when I see you again. I love you sweet girl. 

XOXOX, 

Your Momma

Annalee Faith Scott

Sweet daughter, I will never forget that day.

I was standing in Target in the cough and cold aisle looking for medicine for your daddy's cough and trying to decide between berry or pomegranate-honey cough drops; Mucinex or Delsym cough syrup. Suddenly sharp and shooting pains hit me, taking my breath away, and making me feel lightheaded. I found a bench near the pharmacy and sat down. Thinking these were round ligament pains hitting me again I thought I would wait it out, get my last items, check out, and head home to rest. Only the pain got worse and I decided to just conquer and get out the store to head home and rest. But upon standing up the pain shot fiercely through me and I decided to leave the last few items on my list and go check out. I didn't make it a few steps before I realized I wouldn't be able to even do that. I left my full cart right there in the middle of Target: a Valentine's Day card for your daddy, training pants for your brothers, two candles on sale that were in my favorite scents, razors for the guest bathroom as I knew I would be using the bigger shower more and more often as my tummy grew along with you, extra shampoo and conditioner, and that cough medicine for your daddy. I slowly made my way out the doors and as I shuffled along I felt a warmth between my legs and when I got to the car I saw the blood all over my pants. I sobbed and sobbed, and I was so scared. Just the morning before I saw you wiggling around and heard your heartbeat on the ultrasound, you were perfect and we celebrated your health. We were finally feeling like we could breathe and celebrate your life. And suddenly a day later your life seemed to be seeping right out of me.

Daddy rushed me to the ER and multiple tests showed your little heart, still beating so beautifully strong. We cried and were so thankful to see you still with us. Bleeding in my uterus was the cause of the blood and the doctors sent me home to check in with my OB tomorrow. But two hours later I knew something was wrong. As I swayed my body to the rhythm of the pain of labor and called out, "Jesus. Oh Jesus" because His name was all I could say in the moment. And then you were suddenly there, right before my eyes, instead of being tucked safely inside my body where you should be. And I wept. I sobbed. And your daddy came and found me. We cradled you in our hands and I whispered to you, "Momma's here hunny. Momma's got you. I'm so sorry sweetie." We examined your ten precious toes and ten tiny fingers, your two little feet and hands, your ears, your eyes, your little umbilical cord, your beautifully knit together organs underneath your delicate skin- kidneys, liver, heart, spine, brain- all so miraculously formed at only 10 weeks old. I held your hand and touched you softly; these were the only moments we would ever spend together and I wanted to cherish them.

We spent the rest of the night in the ER as I couldn't control the blood I was losing. Daddy and I were scared but all we could think of was you and how we so desperately wished we could go home and be pregnant again, dreaming of our future with you. We hadn't even told our families or friends about you yet.

Annalee Faith. We picked your name from a song that is oh so very special to your momma. And in two parts your name (Anna) means grace and (lee) means meadows, and I just love the thought of meadows of grace. Because no matter what, God is good and his mercies and grace are new everyday. We chose Faith because we have to have faith that everything is for a reason; we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). God is good. All the time. No matter how much I hurt. No matter the things I don't understand. I am so thankful for the time He gave us to meet you, hold you, and see how beautiful you are.

Your brothers and your Daddy and I spent precious moments with you, holding you, saying goodbye, and singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star", which is one of your brothers favorite songs. And then together we buried you under one of my favorite flowers, so you will forever be with our family.

There are so many things I was looking forward to with you sweet daughter. You are so loved, so wanted, so anticipated, so celebrated. I can't wait till I get to meet you again and I know you are safe and sound in Jesus's arms. So I'll see you soon daughter, although it may feel like an eternity to me. I just know that day will be so extraordinary. Until then I cling to this truth: The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away; blessed be the name of the Lord.



Please follow the link if you would like to hear the song. You might need to turn up your volume a little bit. Annalee

"Annalee" by J.J.L (chorus)

Annalee, you're my sweetest chocolate, baby. 
Annalee, you're the greatest tune. 
Annalee, you're my favorite woman. 
Annalee, I can't get enough of you.

Annalee, oh I'm gonna miss you. 
Annalee, I'm gonna come home soon. 
Annalee, stay my sugar baby. 
Annalee, I can't get enough of you.

Annalee, you're my favorite subject. 
Annalee, you're my only clue. 
Annalee, you're my only soft spot. 
Annalee, I can't get enough of you.