Cassettes or Facets

Rewind to... wait maybe you don't know what it means to rewind. Umm, ok well if you were around in the 90s think back to scrunchies, hammer pants, ska, and discovering the internet. Yes. I said DISCOVERING the internet (it's really not that long ago that it came into our homes). Then think back to cassette tapes. Glorious, memorable, and personal mix tapes. Maybe a little NKOTB, Backstreet Boys, or O.C. Supertones? Yes, now you're on the right track (track... haha... get it?). Oh the 90s! So now that we've reminisced about some of the highlights of the 90s, I want you to focus on cassettes. Now switch the C in cassettes with an F and what do you have.... FACETS. Awesome! Wait, what?


Facets are specialized joints that connect the vertebrae of the spine to one another. When someone has facet joint pain and inflammation it can be misinterpreted as a herniated disc, a fracture, or a torn muscle in the low back. The pain is local but also can radiate down, up, and out. According to a spine health website, facet joint pain "episodes can be frequent and quite unpredictable in both timing and extent. Patients are often left with the notion that this is a psychosomatic problem, and it may even be implied that "it’s all in your head."(http://www.spine-health.com/conditions/arthritis/symptoms-and-diagnosis-facet-joint-problems) 


If you read my last blog then you know I sometimes struggle with feeling like people- anyone from doctors to people I know- don't believe me and tell me it's all in my head but I know it's not. My last blog wasn't aimed at anyone in particular but at this mysterious pain that I feel but others can't see. So many doctors have told me it's my endo, but deep down I knew it had to be more than that. Now it looks like the problem is deep down- in my spine. 


I saw a new doctor today and we're setting up an appointment to inject me with 6 shots. Using a live x-ray, he will inject them into the facets and nerves, and then we will wait a week and see if the pain cleared at all or not. The pain clearing (for any amount of time) helps to diagnose that the pain is indeed coming from the faces, however, the injections will not keep the pain away. It is only to diagnose. So if it works we will need to look at possible surgeries, shots, or therapies to try. If it doesn't work, then we will have to come back to the table and reexamine other issues and options. But it's a starting point. 


And right now, that littlest bit of hope is all I need. 




Well, and maybe some NKOTB. 

"Do Not"

If you know my nephew Ben then you can hear his little voice saying this phrase as he waggles one tiny 3-year-old index finger back and forth at you. I hear it every time I think of this phrase.

Sometimes I think that if this illness, disease, or whatever health issue it is that I have had lurking in my body the last dozen years (yes, I said dozen) were shown as a giant X, or perhaps some scary looking distortion of my body, then people would believe me when I say I'm sick. When I miss an event. When I say I don't feel well. When I have to cancel because I'm in too much pain. Instead, because I look normal, people think I'm mean, a disappointment, a flake, or selfish. Do you even know how painful that is? How hurtful and frustrating? I'm already well aware of how much life I am missing and you just had the nerve to rub it in my face and make it all about you. Awesome. Friend.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if you could see my pain.

What if my insides were on my outsides and you could see my scarred and twisted tissues and organs. Would you believe me then? Would you still say I'm a liar and a fake? What if every time I felt pain, you felt the same pain? Would you still tell me to suck it up and try harder? What if every time I cried because I missed yet another event I was looking forward to, you had to hold my hand and tell me you understood instead of talking about me behind my back? What if?

Just because you may see me with hair and make up done and looking normal doesn't mean I'm fine. What you don't know is how long it took me to get ready, how much pain I was in, and how many breaks I had to take just to get that simple task accomplished. What if you really knew what my day was like?

When sitting, standing, walking, bending over, sleeping, cooking, working- every move hurts. Every move you take for granted. When nothing eases the pain. When you can't remember the last time you slept through the night, not because you have kids waking you up, but because you're in so much pain. What if you really knew what it was like to be in my shoes? I know my condition could be so much worse, and trust me I am forever grateful, but it still doesn't give you the right to spout the it-could-be-worse speech and blow me off or throw in the towel.

I try so hard to stay positive, because it's the only way to get through each day and find even the smallest victory, but sometimes when I hear things that people say about me I can't help but think, "Do Not."

Job Offer

It was an afternoon full of anticipation, checking my makeup, checking the clock, and wandering around wondering what it was exactly that I was waiting for. I had a faint idea it was coming but the details were a mystery. And then the doorbell rang. I nervously smiled, got up off the couch where, let's face it, I don't even know what I was watching on TV, and walked to the front door. I may have peeked through the peephole but I don't remember. Then I knew- this was IT. The moment I had dreamed of. I opened the door. 

My best friend stood on the other side of the threshold, dressed outrageously in a Cat in the Hat costume, and trick or treating for my love. His prearranged message flew out of his head and instead he said something neither of us can remember exactly, accidentally forgot about a diamond ring waiting in his pocket, told me he loved me, and asked me to marry him. In my excitement I told him yes and gave him a big hug- and then asked him to PLEASE take off the silly costume! The ring was remembered, displayed, and placed on my finger while my daddy snapped a picture. A precious memory waiting to take place since the day I knew these kinds of moments existed. This was the most important job offer I ever accepted. 

Most people don't think of a marriage as a job, and if they do it has a negative connotation, but it was recently brought to my attention to challenge that. You know that last month I left my job with Stanford and have been taking care of my health. This challenge reminded me though that my marriage is my new job and I'm called to work at it with commitment, creativity, passion, and faithfulness through my attitude and actions. I can't wait! 

Often in relationships - be it romantic, friendships, parents, or siblings- we are distracted by health, feelings, amount of sleep, stress, and distractions. We weakly "try" to make them work, then realize it's work, and abandon our goals. When looking at relationships this way there is no surprise in the statistics of divorce, estrangement, and depression from loneliness. I want my relationship to focus on putting my husband first, communicating more, and stopping my selfish attitudes (which realistically means working on them with his help and gentle reminders). I want my actions, words, and attitudes to let him know how much I love, appreciate, and cherish him. Some of you may feel this is all newlywed fantasy but I have been challenged to forge a new path and commit to staying on it, which means remembering and focusing on these goals no matter which anniversary we are nearing. 

While I focus on this new job, I am also starting another new job. A family with three children (ages 5, almost 7, and 9) have asked for me to help them part time. I have the mornings for PT, the gym, down time, cleaning, laundry, errands, or time with friends. In the afternoons I head north to Atherton where I help the kids get home from school, fix snacks, help with homework, help with laundry, do cooking projects, become a lava monster, a bug seeker, a not-so-pro touch football player, a contractor, a race car driver, and an explorer. I love the family and I love the fact that their home is built for tall people so helping never means overextending my back over low countertops. :) 

I look forward to building relationships with this family, the extra money it will bring in, and that it still allows for me to work on my health. It will also help keep me moving, which is important with my therapy, but doesn't strain my health. Most important though, is my job to love my husband to the best of my abilities. I'll be keeping you posted on both but for now I'm celebrating in the blessings of what I have been gifted. 

Forget Dr. Pepper...

Forget Dr. Pepper and it's 20-something flavors, I feel like we're moving on to 99 Bottles of You-Know-What. Ugh! Today I got yet another theory from yet another physical therapist. This one thinks my back pain may be related to my hip flexors. Here's a little background on what that is:

According to the website laurensfitness.com the hip flexors are "a group of muscles that flex the hip. [Many] muscles actually flex the hip, but two that are specifically referred to as hip flexors. The Illiopsoas group consists of the Psoas and the Iliacus. Both attach to the femur. However the Psoas attaches to the lower back, whereas the Iliacus attaches to your hipbone.Sitting down puts these muscles in a shortened position, and as a result leaves them pretty tight. The Psoas attaches to the lower back, if it's tight, it can pull your back forward, and is a common cause of back pain." In this picture you can see how they attach to the front and back, which can tilt the pelvis. 

The physical therapist now wants to work on getting me into a neutral position, which means working on my mechanics and everyday movements. They want me to re-learn lying down and getting up. Getting in and out of the car. How I stand. How I sit. Believe it or not, I'm now being told I have "too good of posture" and have been sitting too straight. (Hear that mom???) Sitting too straight can cause pressure and tighten the flexors. Getting into a neutral position means that I support my back, give relief by minimal compression, and relax those muscles.

I'm getting really tired of so many theories and no answers, but I am trying to stay positive and be grateful for doctors who keep looking for reasons and things that can help. They are thinking outside of the box to rule out issues, which does show progress, and keep working towards finding me relief. I'm so grateful for these people who put their heads together before my sessions to discuss options to work on with me. Even if later they smile and laugh while they inflict pain on me, but that's their job after all. :)

Dr. Pepper

You may have noticed recent Dr. Pepper commercials talking about its "blend of 23 flavors." Well, I'm beginning to feel like doctors have as many theories about my health as Dr. Pepper has flavors. Yesterday I heard yet another one. Oh boy.

New theory: Endo has caused severe scar tissue which has connected to my muscles and is twisting them, which has changed my moving mechanics, thus causing severe pain.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I guess I could believe this one at about a 5 to 6. Could be plausible but I still think there's more. I don't see how scar tissue and muscles effect me when I sit or stand. Or sleep. Or how my spine hurts when you touch it. But I can see how scar tissue, which can be stiff and rigid, could attach to muscles and make them move differently than they should and that could cause misalignment and pain.

So yesterday I was pushed and pulled and tweaked and twisted and then sent home. I think all of that movement was supposed to stretch and manipulate the scar tissue and muscles, and it very well might have, but all I know is that I spent yesterday in a lot of pain, and I have the unfortunate feeling that today will be the same. I have some errands to run but other than that I think I'll be hanging out with an ice pack, some meds, Hunter, and some movies (yay for Apple TV!).

To be productive I will pry myself up and do a load of laundry or two. Thankfully the house is clean and there's no grocery shopping to do. I wanted to take Hunter to the dog park but I don't think I can do the 30 min drive each way and stand there while he sits at other people's feet instead of playing with the dogs. My next plan was to take him on a walk, but unless I sit in a sleigh and he pulls me, I don't see that being able to happen today either. This is why I want an answer and a plan to fix it. I deserve more out of life and so does Matt, Hunter, and any future children we have. Not only is my life held back but I constantly feel like I'm holding back others too.

When will my 23 flavors simplify to one, giving me an answer and hope towards feeling better?

Health Update

First, a brief look into the history of my health. I started experiencing chronic lower back pain during 2000 while playing water polo and swimming. The pain was so debilitating that I finally quit both teams and spent my time attending numerous doctor's visits. We visited the chiropractor, saw specialists, took x-rays, and even did tests for lupus. Everything turned up negative, so after hitting so many dead ends, we let it go. In 2003 I was diagnosed with endometriosis (which I refer to as endo. Find out more here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endometriosis) during a surgery to remove an out-of-control ovarian cyst. Since this diagnosis many doctors have written off my back pain to this disease. Fast forward to 2011- two endo surgeries and many years later- my chronic back pain still exists, and after over a decade I am ready to wage war with it.

My chronic pain interrupts daily activities and flares up during simple activities like walking, standing, and sitting. My level of fitness does not effect it, my diet does not effect it, and chiropractic care/yoga/pilates does not help it. My MRI came up negative for spinal damage and there seems to be no real "cause" to my pain. I know my body though and I know I'm not crazy. This pain is coming from something and it's not my endometriosis. I am tired of spending my life in pain, on drugs, and missing out on life while wondering what is wrong with me. 

So Matt and I have decided to take some semi-drastic measures. As you know (if you follow our blog), I left my job, started seeing doctors, am attending physical therapy several times a week, and am looking into specialists.  My physical therapist agrees that it is more then my endo but we are not sure what yet. Today we decided to start looking into my SI Joint (click on it to find out more). This can be linked to an autoimmune disease that is rare and difficult to diagnose as well as treat. I am hopeful that we are at least on a path that will lead to answers. I also feel so blessed that Matt is so supportive, providing, and caring through it all. He constantly tells me to rest, gets me an ice pack, rubs my back, and reminds me it's ok to focus on my health right now. 

I will keep you posted on what we find out and appreciate your prayers and luck towards finding the right answers in a timely manner so I can have answers, feel better, and start getting back to life. 

Weekend Getaway

This last weekend our friend Dan invited us to his family's cabin in Bodega Bay, which is about 2-3 hours north of us in Sunnyvale. So we packed up our little family of 3 and headed up to the bay. I signed up to be the cook for the weekend so I had prepped lasagna soup for dinner and a crustless quiche for breakfast. It worked out perfectly! They added garlic bread and a caesar salad to dinner, and also a combo of delicious berries and OJ to breakfast. We had the best time relaxing, reading, playing Sorry, playing with the dog, and taking a walk on the beach.

A walk on the beach on a beautiful day

Hunter and me making dinner

Crossing the Golden Gate on our way back home