End of the First Trimester

As I start my second trimester on Saturday, I have come to the conclusion that some women excel at being pregnant and some women, well, don't. Turns out I'm one of those women who don't. Who knew? When I thought of pregnancy I had always assumed my checklist would look like this:

• Glowing
• Cute, round bump
• Living my normal life, just with a cute bump
• Spending time with friends, with a cute bump
• Having fun cravings and eating a yummy array of food
• Dreaming with my husband about our cute future child...note: just one child at a time

Turns out my reality-check checklist looks more like this:

• Glowing.... only if defined as intense acne like I am 14-years-old again
• Bump that looks more like I ate too much steak dinner... a few too many times
• Nausea = morning sickness, afternoon sickness, night sickness... aka all day long sickness and throwing up
• Headaches and endless fatigue
• Cramping and crazy back pain
• Never seeing friends because the toilet and couch are my new best friends
• Panicking with my husband over the reality of babies...note: PLURAL...and what that will mean for our future, as well as worrying if they will be healthy

Life just never seems to go the way you think it will. As miserable as I have been though, I have to remind myself that I am so blessed to be here. I would so rather be miserable for nine months than be left to wonder what it would have been like and never experience it for myself. We are so blessed to have these miracles after a year of medications and procedures. There are so many women who go through all of that for even longer and still have empty arms. So while reality doesn't look anything like I had hoped and imagined, it's still okay. 

So without further ado, for the first time, we would like to introduce you to our two little ones! (Click on each picture for a bigger image.)

Our babies as embryos. Baby A is hatching, which means it is breaking through and ready to implant. Baby B implanted a day or so after.

Their growth over the weeks. We saw the first heartbeat just before 6 weeks.

At the end of the first trimester. They're turning over, moving around, and responding to my movement.

Early Surprise

For a very long time, I never thought I would be pregnant. Infertility became more than a word- it became my very identity. It was my everyday, my every thought, my every breath. And then suddenly that all changed.

Top picture: taken 7 days post transfer. Bottom picture: taken 9 days post transfer

One week after my transfer I was convinced it didn't work, yet with the hope that only an infertile woman can understand, I decided to test. And before the time was even up I saw what I thought was a very faint +. Immediately I ran downstairs to find Matt, who was cooking breakfast for us at the stove, and showed him the test. 

"What does this look like to you?" I asked him, truly not sure I was seeing what I thought I was. He looked up at me with surprise and replied, "You took a test???" 

"Yes," I said, "What does this look like?" I needed to hear from him what my own eyes were telling me.

"A plus," he said, "Is that a positive?!" He asked with a huge smile. 

"I think so!" I smiled back at him. And then my best friend gave me a victory kiss, celebrating the long, hard journey we had come through. 

Two days later I tested again. I couldn't help but wonder if that blue sign would be even darker, and sure enough, it was. 

What some of you may not know is that this was really early to take a pregnancy test. Typically you won't see a positive sign until at least 14 full days after the procedure, and even then it will most likely be faint. The fact that this showed up only 7 days after the transfer should have been my first hint at twins! 

When I went for my first beta test (a blood test checking for HCG, a pregnancy hormone) I was surprised to hear the number come back at 976. In my last pregnancy the first beta came back around 100 so this was a much higher number. That gave me hope but I was still terrified for the second beta test. Two days after the first test the doctor has the test repeated. If the numbers double then it's a good start to the pregnancy. If they go down then it's going to be a miscarriage, which is what happened to me last time. So when my second number came back at 2526, more than doubled, I was shocked! That should have been my second clue it was twins but I was just shocked both tests were positive! (Note: A typical singleton pregnancy could have numbers around 200 and then go up to 400, so you can see how mine were much higher at 976 and 2526.)

So on our first ultrasound when we saw those two little babies, I think time stood still. Over the weeks I waited to see what would happen. It's not unusual to lose one of the babies early on, yet with each ultrasound I continually heard two distinct heartbeats. I can't even tell you what that sounds like to my ears. It's the sweetest miracle I could ever dream of!!! 

I'll be honest and say the thought of twins terrifies me. The expenses are immense and the task of caring for two infants feels overwhelming. When we set out to start a family we never thought or planned for two babies but here we are. Yet as terrified as I am, I feel so incredibly blessed! If you've followed our journey then you know what I have gone through to get here: the tests, traveling, procedures, shots, medications, sickness, side effects, heartaches. So now as I near the end of my first trimester I feel like I'm holding my breath. I continually ask myself if this is real. I look at my stomach and wonder at the two lives inside me, each the size of a lime now. It's the most surreal thing! I dream of the day I will feel them kick and have a cute baby bump to show. To me, that's when I think I'll actually feel pregnant. Until then, I'm just reveling in the fact that my prayers have finally been answered, even if it's not as I thought they would be, and continue to pray that all goes well as we move forward. There's much that I'm unsure about but there's even more that I'm excited about! 

Our Journey

Some women never know the pain and heartache of trying to get pregnant.

Some women define trying to conceive as spending countless moments together with their loved one and testing every month. They’re unaware of those who receive a devastating diagnosis, experience countless doctor appointments, invasive tests and procedures, expensive medications, and painful injections…all in the hopes of making a baby.

Some women never know what it is to choose between the next procedure that could make their dreams of a family come true, or keeping their life savings. Some women run out of money with still no child in their arms and have to pretend to the world their family is complete without the children they ache for.

Some women never imagine what it’s like to grieve the loss of never being pregnant. To hear a doctor say you have no choice in the matter because your body is physically unable to do what you always assumed it would. To never have that positive test, the ultrasounds, the tiny kicks, the delivery, and the moment when they lay that sweet bundle in your arms and you lose your heart even more than you thought possible.

Some women complain through their entire pregnancy, unaware of the infertile women who would be willing to have the worst side effects ever if it just meant they could be pregnant.

Some women post a stream of announcements, pictures, and videos on Facebook of their pregnancy and birth, unaware of how those posts affect the infertile women whose hearts are breaking.

Some women never have a miscarriage. They don’t know what it is to love something precious and lose it. To grieve someone you never saw face-to-face. To miss someone you only met in your heart.

These are all things I’ve thought about and experienced in our last eight months on this constant IVF journey. I can’t tell you how many times my heart has been broken, the tears I’ve cried, and the pain I’ve endured. Yet going through all this makes us appreciate our blessings so much more, which is why we are so proud to announce that I am pregnant and expecting twins in December!  

This is a miracle not every infertile women is given and we are so very thankful! However, we also understand the fragile gift that it is and know that, especially after our past losses, it is not guaranteed. We hope and pray that, God-willing, we meet these children just before Christmas.

We ask that you help us help other couples we know who are trying to conceive by not posting anything on our Facebook pages about this pregnancy. As someone who has been hurt numerous times by the surprise announcement or ultrasound picture, I would never want to hurt someone else by doing the same thing. We plan on posting occasionally on our blog with updates but I will not be posting things on Facebook. If you want to get our pregnancy updates, please be sure to follow our blog by email. You can do so by entering your email on the top, right hand side of our blog and follow the prompts provided (your email address is secure, protected, and will not be used for any purpose other than receiving notifications when we’ve loaded a new post). 

Although we do not want anything on our Facebook walls, we would love to hear from you privately! Please feel free to private message us, leave comments on the blog, email, text, or call us. Thank you for joining us in celebrating this tremendous blessing and we ask that you be praying with us for the health and safety of our babies. Thank you to all of those who have been with us faithfully throughout our journey!

A Weekend at The Phoenician

Several weeks ago Matt and I decided we needed a weekend getaway: something inexpensive where we could use Matt's flight and hotel points, something easy to get to (and we wouldn't need a rental car so we could save money), and something where we could relax and do nothing for a few days with no obligations. Several good friends highly recommended a place to us called The Phoenician, and at first I was skeptical (because, well, it's in Phoenix, Arizona), but then we looked into it and realized it met everything on our list! We could use points for our room and flight, it's a short flight followed by a short taxi ride to the resort, and they had nine gorgeous pools we could sit by...all...day...long. Perfect! So we booked our trip, packed our bags, left Hunter with my parents, caught a ride to the airport from Matt's dad, and arrived in Phoenix! We were upgraded to a beautiful suite that was more of a condo than hotel room (Matt's travel does pay off!) and included a living room, dining room, two balconies, kitchen, bedroom, walk-in closet, and two incredible bathrooms. We spent all day Saturday and Sunday lounging by the pool, talking, laughing, swimming, and dining. It was exactly the getaway weekend we needed and we would definitely go back! 

Here's a (LOT!) of pictures of the resort and our mini-vacation (please excuse our mess!):

Foyer (kitchen to left, guest bathroom to right)

Living Room

Dining Room

Living Room looking towards foyer and kitchen

Kitchen

Guest Bathroom 

Guest Bathroom

Guest Bathroom

Bedroom

Bedroom Walk-In Closet

Bedroom Mini-Bar

Bedroom Bathroom

Bedroom Bathroom

Bedroom Bathroom

Partial view of one balcony

View from balcony

On the balcony after a day at the pool

One of the pools at night looking towards the main hotel (yes, Matt took this picture!)

Another pool at night (Matt also took this)

Night swim

Flowers in the cactus garden

Flowers in the cactus garden

Snapshot from the cactus garden

Snapshot from the cactus garden

Thank you so much to my parents for hosting Hunter at Camp Fab for the weekend and to Matt's parents for getting us to and from the airport! 

Meeting Our Babies

This will just be a quick post because Matt and I would like to keep things pretty private for awhile from here on out. Everything went really well yesterday at the transfer and we were able to meet two of our babies and they are perfect! We will find out our results sometime in May so PLEASE do not ask if we're pregnant. We will announce it when we are ready. Right now I am torn between enjoying this time and my fear of losing them. We really appreciate your support and prayers for us during this time and for whatever the results may be. Thank you so much!

Love,
Staci

Transfer Time

Sooooo, I get two of these shots in my behind every night. Ya, I know, you're probably jealous because that sounds like so much fun! And the good news is that if I get pregnant then these shots will continue through the 10th week of pregnancy. Yippee!!! (Okay, note some sarcasm there.) I thought the fork would give you a better reference of the needle size, which has to go ALL...THE...WAY...IN. I've learned that it's not only a good idea to ice the injection site first but to also pray the person giving the injection actually injects into the iced area. Otherwise I'm in for a real surprise! ;) After the injection, which is an oil so it takes an extra long time to inject, it's important to heat the area really well and then rub, rub, rub! The heat and rubbing is supposed to help the oil from forming into a hard knot under the skin because that's super painful! I have to have someone do these injections for me because, if you haven't noticed on yourself, it's really hard to see your behind and poke it in the exact right spot with a super sharp, pointy object at a 90 degree angle, make sure there's no blood drawn into the syringe, and then finish the injection. My mom and Matt have been doing them for me...lucky them! I'm pretty sure it's no easy feat to have to inject someone with a needle, especially one so big. And sharp. And long. And scary. Thanks Matt and Mom for helping!

Yesterday I met with my doctor and he told us that everything looks good to schedule our frozen embryo transfer (FET), so next Thursday morning (the 18th) we will be meeting (hopefully) two of our perfectly thawed babies and transferring them around 9:45am. Compared to everything else, this is a relatively easy process. We show up at 9am, do some paperwork, meet with the embryologist, get me prepped, take some Valium (only for me- sorry Matt!), drink lots of water, and then begin.

The embryologist will put the selected embryos into a catheter filled with fluid and hand it to the RE when he's ready. A nurse will use an ultrasound to help the RE guide the embryos into the right spot and he will transfer them. The embryologist will then check the catheter to make sure it's empty and then I lay there and relax for about 20 minutes. When I'm cleared to leave the nurse will roll me out to the car in a wheelchair and Matt will take me to my parent's house. I'll be on bed rest there for about 3 days and we'll head back to San Jose on Sunday. We should find out the results in early May but will share when we're ready.

Please be praying for the process to go well and for peace as we wait for the results. Some of my medications make me a little sad, so that on top of my anxiety about this going well, makes me feel like a bit of a mess. I'd really like to be able to keep a positive attitude, relax, and enjoy some time at home with Matt in between his trips. All your messages and encouragement really cheer me up and remind me that we have so many people behind us and supporting us in this journey. Thank you!!!

Fun with Friends at AT&T Park

Left to right: Cindy, Jessica, Steve, Scott, Me, and Matt

There's been a lot going on and I have been feeling a bit stuck in a rut from not feeling well for so long, so when our good friend Steve mentioned they'd be in town for a baseball game, we thought we'd check it out. Turns out Steve had good seats, and it also turned out that they were pretty cheap since it was a preseason game...then it turned out that there were two available seats right next to them. With that, Matt and I looked at one another and said, "Let's go!" 

So last Friday we met up with our friends Steve, Jessica, Cindy, and Scott, in San Francisco and walked into AT&T Park together. We grabbed some stadium snacks and settled into our seats to enjoy the game and finally spend some time together. These are some of my favorite people to spend time with because they always make me laugh till my cheeks hurt, can get me out of any funk, truly care about Matt and me, and always feel like home. 

Sometimes you can meet someone and feel like you've known them your whole life. That's how it was when I first met Jessica and Cindy (who are best friends) several years ago when we all got together at Steve's moms' house to hangout in the game room. Since then Jessica and Steve have been dating, Matt and I have gotten married (and Steve was Matt's Best Man), we've had many good times hanging out all together (including those over Black Sheep's mac 'n cheese in SLO!), and Jessica came to stay with me for a girl's night in San Jose. I've kept in touch with Cindy through Facebook and celebrated virtually as she met Scott, started dating, and then they got engaged. We hadn't met Scott before this last weekend, but when we did- no big surprise- it also felt like we'd known him for forever, too! We had so much fun being reunited, feeling like almost no time had passed, and laughing all night! One of the highlights of the night: we're laughing like crazy over the boys being...well, boys...and this guy next to Jessica taps her on the shoulder and asks, "Are these guys bothering you?" She looks at him like he's nuts and responds, "Uhhh no! These are our BOYFRIENDS!" Well, boyfriend, fiance, and husband but it doesn't matter- we all belong together!

Oops! I almost forgot to mention (which is probably because I'm not a sport's fan and don't think about these things, haha!)- the game was the Giants vs the Oakland A's and the Giants won. There you go Giant's fans! :)

Click on the pictures below for a bigger image:

Crazy friends make you laugh; the boys sing "Take me out to the ballgame"; and the girls smile for a picture while the boys make weird faces

My first time to AT&T Park and the view from our seats. Matt has raised me to be a Dodgers fan so the orange and black overload was a little hard to take. Haha!