Pregnancy Is a Hope, Not a Promise

I am 26 weeks pregnant today. I officially reached the "point of viability" at 24 weeks which simply means that if these babies were to be born today doctors would have to try and save them because they have a chance at survival with a lot of assistance. However, there are no guarantees.

No guarantees- that's how I feel about everything with pregnancy. I think infertility makes you constantly worry, question, and doubt. With each appointment you hold some degree of fear tucked in your heart that this will be the appointment where everything will fall apart, where you will learn that  you will lose this miracle, and you will have to start all over again. You worry that you're setting up the nursery too soon. You question if you're washing tiny clothes that someone may never wear, and wonder what you will do with them when that happens.

Every Saturday I breathe a sigh of relief as I successfully reach another week in this pregnancy. With each kick and punch I feel, a little anxiety eases away...okay, they're still with me, they're still there. I think some moms-to-be bond easily with their baby while pregnant. They whisper sweet words of love to their belly and caress it, promising of the future they'll have together. If I'm painfully honest with you, I haven't been able to get there due to my past miscarriage. It doesn't mean I don't love and cherish these little ones, it just means that my heart is scared because now I know: pregnancy is a hope and not a promise.

Recently I have had several friends receive devastating news regarding their pregnancies- a fatal diagnosis for a little one at 18 weeks, and multiple miscarriages. Once again I'm reminded there are no guarantees and my heart breaks for these dear women. I know what it's like to pray, celebrate, dream, and then grieve. I know what it's like to see the date pass on the calendar that should have been a little one's birthday. And I know what it's like to have to start over. For me, it was literally the absolute worst journey I have ever been on. The appointments, the injections, the exams, the tests, the way your heart stops at every appointment because you fear what the doctor will say, and how your heart breaks even though you told yourself you wouldn't hope...and you realize despite what you told yourself, you were.

So at 26 weeks I find myself sitting in what's to be our nursery, scared and hopeful. I rest my hands on my ever-growing belly, massaging sore spots from feisty little hands and feet, and I pray that these angels will stay put. I pray that they will be born fully-developed and healthy and have long lives. And I pray that someday my heart may be healed from infertility so that I can enjoy the little moments of every day instead of constantly fearing the worst.

26 weeks down, 11 to go. Somehow 11 weeks sounds like so little to go and yet so long to hope.

Practice Makes Perfect

I have been feeding, diapering, and snuggling babies since I was 11-years-old but someone else in our family (no names mentioned of course) has never even held a baby. So with two on the way I was thinking there were some basics we should cover, but first I needed some models...

AHA! Found them!

These two little bears my Grandma Allison made for the babies would be perfect! They're the right size and won't cry in protest, not to mention, they're sooo cute! (And P.S. this rocking chair once belonged to my Grandma Ethel and was passed on to me, and the blanket on the back of the chair was designed and made by my Aunt Debra...so special!)

First, we needed to tackle getting babies dressed because, well, they'll be born in the dead of winter and we don't want them to freeze! Snaps and zippers are two essentials to learn.

Mission accomplished! Now, one of the most important things to know is how to buckle a baby into a car seat because we can't get them home from the hospital otherwise. 

Looking good! Since we're already buckled up, why not practice putting the car seats into the stroller?

And we don't have the other car seat quite yet, but we'll buckle the other in too. Why not?

And once everyone is buckled in, a curious little wiener dog will want to say hi and check things out...

And finally, diapers! This is a little one-size minky cloth pocket diaper from KaWaii (I know that's a lot of cloth diaper lingo...basically it's a cloth diaper that you use one time and wash, and is made of a soft fuzzy fabric). 

So that about covers it! I think the essentials have been covered...although crying, wiggly, tiny babies are a lot different from cuddly bears, I think a little practice never hurts. :) 

A Perfect Shower!

This last Saturday was my baby shower and it was a perfect event! My mom and sister planned everything and made decorations, my aunt offered her home, some friends offered to help with food, and my cousin helped with the floral arrangements (I think I got everyone, so sorry if not!). I had so much fun getting to see my friends and family, eat delicious food, and open adorable gifts!

Thank you so, so much to everyone who came and helped us provide for these two little ones! Here's some pictures of the event (you can click on any picture for a larger view):

The guest books were two adorable children's books about twin boys. My mom added the dachshund baby toy (of course!) and a cute sign about the guest books. 

These twin bunnies were made by my grandma who passed away in 1997 and the cross stitch is from her as well. It was a wonderful way to feel she was there on this special day! My mom made the little "babies" out of infant diapers, baby wash cloths, and baby socks. Too cute! 

The patio was decorated with blue, white, and green - my nursery colors! There were hanging paper dot chains, hanging pom poms, flowers, table runners my mom sewed, and a place of honor for guests to place their gifts. 

Close up of the table and the runners my mom made.

My mom made these table decorations with infant diapers, paci's, and receiving blankets. 

My mom also made these little "cupcakes" with muffin papers, ribbon, onesies, and baby wash cloths. 

My mom and cousin made these floral arrangements. Just the right touch of girliness at a baby shower for little boys!  And they are in the flower vases from my wedding day which was a fun way to remember our journey and reuse them!

The beautiful buffet of food! My sister made the sweet twin banner. We had scones, fresh fruit cups,  an egg casserole, a quiche, and a yogurt bar. There were more gorgeous flower arrangements, too. 

My mom ordered the same AMAZING cinnabun cupcakes we had at my wedding. Matt and I didn't get to have any on our wedding day because our guests enjoyed them all. :) It was another fun way to celebrate this major event for us and we loved being able to eat them to our heart's content! 

23 weeks...just starting 6 months.

Favor basket! My mom had the lovey bears I registered for help decorate the basket. :) The crocheted blanket was made by my Grandma Ethel when my nephew Ben was born.

My sister (Aunt Melissa), my mom (Grandma Donna), and me 

My sister-in-law (Aunt Ashley), me, and my mother-in-law (Grandma Liz)

We were so blessed to receive sooo many wonderful gifts! They didn't all fit in our car on the way home, but my mom is coming to visit this week and will be bringing the rest! There are still some things left on our list to get like cloth diapers and accessories, burp cloths, clothes in sizes 6 months and bigger, a monitor, and some basics like baby lotion and paci's. We are beyond excited to have so many of our most important things ready like car seats and accessories, a stroller, clothes, a bath tub, a twin-sized nursing pillow and nursing accessories, a bouncer, booster seats for high chairs, a sound machine, blankets (many home made with love!), snuggly stuffed animals, and baby toys.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who came, supported us, and showered us with wonderful gifts to get ready for our little ones to come home!!! Thank you also to my family and friends (and my mom especially!) who threw us this incredible shower that was everything I could have ever dreamed of!!!

It's a Baby Shower...for Me!

I cannot believe I'm going to be having a baby shower in just over a week!!!! This is a time of celebration and joy for me after such a long, hard journey through infertility to get here. I couldn't be happier about getting to spend time dreaming and planning for these two little ones with my family and friends!

I'm especially excited to get to spend time with everyone since this will be my last visit south for quite some time. After September 14th I am not allowed to travel more than an hour away from my doctor and once the babies arrive we won't be traveling anywhere for several months at least. This means that for the first time we'll be celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas at home with just the two of us...or maybe the four of us for Christmas! :)

With twins it feels like there's not only a million things we need but then we need them times two! Yikes! HAHA! We're really hoping to receive some of the necessities from our registry like car seats and their accessories, a twin nursing pillow, diapers, monitor, and diaper bag. Some of these are things we'll need at the hospital and some are things we'll need as soon as we get home. I'm really looking forward to when I'll be packing my hospital bag as well as the diaper bag with things they'll need to come home in. I think packing will make it feel so real that soon we'll be seeing their faces and they'll be coming home. I can't wait!

We've been working on making the extra room into a nursery by reorganizing downstairs to make space for our exercise equipment and packing up the office to make room for the cribs and dresser. I've painted a few pieces of old furniture and Matt has built some new Ikea furniture. I love organizing and projects like this and it's been good to have something to keep me busy when Matt has to travel to China. I know it's a little early to be nesting but with twins there's a serious risk of bed rest, complications, and/or them coming early so I want to be ready sooner rather than later. I also get tired really easily these days so it's nice to be able to take my time and work on things a little each day.

I am almost 22 weeks along and my favorite part of pregnancy so far is feeling the babies kick and move around, which I've been blessed enough to feel since Week 14. The movements are getting bigger and stronger and my belly has started to move with their acrobatics. They each weigh over a pound now and are constantly bumping into one another.

I am over halfway to my due date now. My OB won't let me go past 37 weeks, due to them running out of room to grow, and I feel like the countdown is on...even if it still feels quite a ways away. :) I'm just taking things one small milestone at a time. Next up...my (very!) long-awaited baby shower!



***Side Note: Some of you who have followed our journey have asked where we are registered at. To keep things simple we only registered at Babies R Us and are listed under Staci Scott or Matthew Scott in San Jose, CA. Thank you so much to those of you who have sent us cards and notes of encouragement! We can't tell you how much it means that so many people are praying and celebrating with us about these two little miracles!***

10 Things I've Learned

I've learned quite a few things during infertility and pregnancy, but mainly, I've learned that there seems to be no boundaries when it comes to what people will say. Sadly, I have to admit I have asked a few of these myself in the past. I thought I would compose a quick list so we can all learn and help those ladies near and dear to us who are expecting, or praying to.

1. "When do you plan on starting a family?"

This question is not only very personal but also can be very hurtful to someone who is trying and struggling, or has recently had a loss they are not sharing about. I have asked this question many times, thinking it was just chit-chat, but after struggling through infertility I realized how personal it really is. 

What to say: Nothing. Wait for someone to offer that information and then talk about it.

2. "Have you tried....?"

If someone has confided in you that they are trying to start a family but struggling, don't offer suggestions, no matter how well intended. Trust me, people know how a baby is made. They don't need any advice. That's just awkward and uncomfortable. 

What to say: "Thank you for sharing with me. Please let me know if there's any way I can support you."

3. "WOW! You look ready to pop!"

Would you normally tell a woman how huge she looks? No? Then let's not tell a hormonal pregnant woman that. She is fully aware of how she looks and doesn't need the reminder. It's also not wise to remind her how big her belly is when she still has quite a few more weeks to go. On the other hand, a pregnant woman also (typically) doesn't want to hear, "You don't even look pregnant!" because most likely she FEELS very pregnant and might as well look it if she feels it. Pregnant women can be very sensitive about the changes in their bodies. They don't need reminders that hormones are causing them to break out, they've gained weight, their curves have shifted, or their belly button has popped out. 

What to say: "You look beautiful!" or "Pregnancy really becomes you!"

4. "Enjoy your sleep while you can!"

This is currently my number one pet peeve. I'm not sleeping, I'm utterly exhausted, and I'm fully aware that I won't be getting any more rest when these babies come. I don't need a reminder or the added pressure that life as I know it is soon to be over. Most pregnant women I know feel exactly the same. 

What to say: "I hope you've been able to rest and take care of yourself."

5. "TWINS?! Are they natural?"

My response: "Last time I checked, it only took two ingredients to make a baby so I'm pretty sure that's considered natural." I know twins are a curiosity and that's why people ask this question (or the ever popular, "Do they run in your family?"), but it's hard to know how to answer this if they are conceived with the help of a doctor. 

What to say: "How extra sweet! Congrats!" 

6. "BOYS?! You're going to have your hands full!"

My current second biggest pet peeve. We all know boys are busy and messy and loud...and sweet, and fun, and love their mama's. Mom's of boys don't need a reminder that their once tidy house is going to be forever changed or that the noise volume is going to rise exponentially. 

What to say: Encourage them with the joys of boys, and children in general.  

7. "Do you plan on giving birth naturally?"

First of all, this question is so personal! I know it's a common question these days but it really shouldn't be. Only the parents and doctor need to discuss this question. Secondly, how "natural" is child birth these days? I'm pretty sure that with pitocin, epidurals, and other methods doctors use to deliver babies, that definition has drastically changed. 

What to say: "I'll be praying all goes well on your little ones' birthday! We can't wait to meet him/her/them!"

8. "Can I rub your belly?"

Some women love this, some women don't. You just don't know. For most women it's not awkward for a woman to pat her tummy, but it can seem awkward if a man does. I've heard that for most women they don't mind sharing the joy of the movement inside (it is a special thing after all!) but when they aren't really showing and there's no movement, it feels like someone is patting her belly and can be very uncomfortable. 

What to say: Most people don't ask at all, but if you do ask, be prepared for her to say no. If she does oblige, make it speedy. Your hand doesn't need to be there any longer than it takes to say "baby" unless she invites you to stay longer. If a woman smiles, laughs, or encourages your belly rub then go for it! If she isn't doing those things then your touch probably isn't welcome. 

9. "Do you plan on breastfeeding?"

When else is it appropriate to ask about a woman's breasts? Never? Okay, then let's keep it that way. ;)

What to say: If a woman has shared that she plans on breastfeeding (or bottle feeding), be supportive. Offer her suggestions after she has started the topic. New moms have enough worries and pressure that they don't need added horror stories or wagging fingers. 

10. "So I guess you're done now, right?" 

Families come in all shapes and sizes, and plans change. Don't assume a family is "complete" just because you think it should be, or even because the parents said they might be. Who knows what could happen! :)

What to say: Just focus on the special little one/s they do have and leave the future to itself. 

Hopefully this brings insight to some, and a smile to those of you who have experienced these things and can agree! Everything about pregnancy is incredible and ever-changing and this post certainly isn't mean to be a negative take on it, just a statement of how it can be and how to help! 

Wiener Wars 2013

After Hunter's last race a few weeks ago, where he was taken out by an aggressive competitor, Matt was determined to give him another chance. So this last weekend we packed him up and took him back to Golden Gate Fields to race in the Wiener Wars. Our friend Justin came along to help with Hunter's event and enjoy some horse racing with Matt. I was the photographer and videographer since I can't move too quickly these days and carry or chase down an energetic, wiggly wiener dog.

Hunter was very excited to run, meet other dogs, lick little children, and watch the horses. He started his race really well but slowed down about halfway through and ended up in third place (maybe fourth? It's hard to tell with a gaggle of wiener dogs crossing the finish line). Maybe one of these days he'll win at this track but as long as he's having fun (and it's hilarious to watch) we'll keep giving it a try!

(In the video he's on the far, right side of the track. Justin is holding him and Matt is at the other end to catch him. The winner of the race was the grand prize winner at Hunter's last race.)

And I know what you're thinking...where are the pics of Staci so we can see the babies?! Just for you, here's my 20 week picture from race day.

The Bump

It appears as if the "Bump" has finally popped and made its appearance! As of Saturday, I am 18 weeks pregnant and the babies are each about 5.5 inches and .8 pounds. My doctor plans on delivering them by 37 weeks so I'm about halfway there!

For the most part I'm feeling pretty good with the aid of modern medicine for heartburn and nausea relief. I'm not sleeping super well because it's been hard to get comfortable, and I'm pretty fatigued all day long, but overall it's been a lot better than my first trimester. I'm trying to enjoy all I can before the third trimester hits (at 27 weeks) and people warn me it will all change again. ;)

(You can click on the picture for a larger view)