Our Journey

Some women never know the pain and heartache of trying to get pregnant.

Some women define trying to conceive as spending countless moments together with their loved one and testing every month. They’re unaware of those who receive a devastating diagnosis, experience countless doctor appointments, invasive tests and procedures, expensive medications, and painful injections…all in the hopes of making a baby.

Some women never know what it is to choose between the next procedure that could make their dreams of a family come true, or keeping their life savings. Some women run out of money with still no child in their arms and have to pretend to the world their family is complete without the children they ache for.

Some women never imagine what it’s like to grieve the loss of never being pregnant. To hear a doctor say you have no choice in the matter because your body is physically unable to do what you always assumed it would. To never have that positive test, the ultrasounds, the tiny kicks, the delivery, and the moment when they lay that sweet bundle in your arms and you lose your heart even more than you thought possible.

Some women complain through their entire pregnancy, unaware of the infertile women who would be willing to have the worst side effects ever if it just meant they could be pregnant.

Some women post a stream of announcements, pictures, and videos on Facebook of their pregnancy and birth, unaware of how those posts affect the infertile women whose hearts are breaking.

Some women never have a miscarriage. They don’t know what it is to love something precious and lose it. To grieve someone you never saw face-to-face. To miss someone you only met in your heart.

These are all things I’ve thought about and experienced in our last eight months on this constant IVF journey. I can’t tell you how many times my heart has been broken, the tears I’ve cried, and the pain I’ve endured. Yet going through all this makes us appreciate our blessings so much more, which is why we are so proud to announce that I am pregnant and expecting twins in December!  

This is a miracle not every infertile women is given and we are so very thankful! However, we also understand the fragile gift that it is and know that, especially after our past losses, it is not guaranteed. We hope and pray that, God-willing, we meet these children just before Christmas.

We ask that you help us help other couples we know who are trying to conceive by not posting anything on our Facebook pages about this pregnancy. As someone who has been hurt numerous times by the surprise announcement or ultrasound picture, I would never want to hurt someone else by doing the same thing. We plan on posting occasionally on our blog with updates but I will not be posting things on Facebook. If you want to get our pregnancy updates, please be sure to follow our blog by email. You can do so by entering your email on the top, right hand side of our blog and follow the prompts provided (your email address is secure, protected, and will not be used for any purpose other than receiving notifications when we’ve loaded a new post). 

Although we do not want anything on our Facebook walls, we would love to hear from you privately! Please feel free to private message us, leave comments on the blog, email, text, or call us. Thank you for joining us in celebrating this tremendous blessing and we ask that you be praying with us for the health and safety of our babies. Thank you to all of those who have been with us faithfully throughout our journey!

A Weekend at The Phoenician

Several weeks ago Matt and I decided we needed a weekend getaway: something inexpensive where we could use Matt's flight and hotel points, something easy to get to (and we wouldn't need a rental car so we could save money), and something where we could relax and do nothing for a few days with no obligations. Several good friends highly recommended a place to us called The Phoenician, and at first I was skeptical (because, well, it's in Phoenix, Arizona), but then we looked into it and realized it met everything on our list! We could use points for our room and flight, it's a short flight followed by a short taxi ride to the resort, and they had nine gorgeous pools we could sit by...all...day...long. Perfect! So we booked our trip, packed our bags, left Hunter with my parents, caught a ride to the airport from Matt's dad, and arrived in Phoenix! We were upgraded to a beautiful suite that was more of a condo than hotel room (Matt's travel does pay off!) and included a living room, dining room, two balconies, kitchen, bedroom, walk-in closet, and two incredible bathrooms. We spent all day Saturday and Sunday lounging by the pool, talking, laughing, swimming, and dining. It was exactly the getaway weekend we needed and we would definitely go back! 

Here's a (LOT!) of pictures of the resort and our mini-vacation (please excuse our mess!):

Foyer (kitchen to left, guest bathroom to right)

Living Room

Dining Room

Living Room looking towards foyer and kitchen

Kitchen

Guest Bathroom 

Guest Bathroom

Guest Bathroom

Bedroom

Bedroom Walk-In Closet

Bedroom Mini-Bar

Bedroom Bathroom

Bedroom Bathroom

Bedroom Bathroom

Partial view of one balcony

View from balcony

On the balcony after a day at the pool

One of the pools at night looking towards the main hotel (yes, Matt took this picture!)

Another pool at night (Matt also took this)

Night swim

Flowers in the cactus garden

Flowers in the cactus garden

Snapshot from the cactus garden

Snapshot from the cactus garden

Thank you so much to my parents for hosting Hunter at Camp Fab for the weekend and to Matt's parents for getting us to and from the airport! 

Meeting Our Babies

This will just be a quick post because Matt and I would like to keep things pretty private for awhile from here on out. Everything went really well yesterday at the transfer and we were able to meet two of our babies and they are perfect! We will find out our results sometime in May so PLEASE do not ask if we're pregnant. We will announce it when we are ready. Right now I am torn between enjoying this time and my fear of losing them. We really appreciate your support and prayers for us during this time and for whatever the results may be. Thank you so much!

Love,
Staci

Transfer Time

Sooooo, I get two of these shots in my behind every night. Ya, I know, you're probably jealous because that sounds like so much fun! And the good news is that if I get pregnant then these shots will continue through the 10th week of pregnancy. Yippee!!! (Okay, note some sarcasm there.) I thought the fork would give you a better reference of the needle size, which has to go ALL...THE...WAY...IN. I've learned that it's not only a good idea to ice the injection site first but to also pray the person giving the injection actually injects into the iced area. Otherwise I'm in for a real surprise! ;) After the injection, which is an oil so it takes an extra long time to inject, it's important to heat the area really well and then rub, rub, rub! The heat and rubbing is supposed to help the oil from forming into a hard knot under the skin because that's super painful! I have to have someone do these injections for me because, if you haven't noticed on yourself, it's really hard to see your behind and poke it in the exact right spot with a super sharp, pointy object at a 90 degree angle, make sure there's no blood drawn into the syringe, and then finish the injection. My mom and Matt have been doing them for me...lucky them! I'm pretty sure it's no easy feat to have to inject someone with a needle, especially one so big. And sharp. And long. And scary. Thanks Matt and Mom for helping!

Yesterday I met with my doctor and he told us that everything looks good to schedule our frozen embryo transfer (FET), so next Thursday morning (the 18th) we will be meeting (hopefully) two of our perfectly thawed babies and transferring them around 9:45am. Compared to everything else, this is a relatively easy process. We show up at 9am, do some paperwork, meet with the embryologist, get me prepped, take some Valium (only for me- sorry Matt!), drink lots of water, and then begin.

The embryologist will put the selected embryos into a catheter filled with fluid and hand it to the RE when he's ready. A nurse will use an ultrasound to help the RE guide the embryos into the right spot and he will transfer them. The embryologist will then check the catheter to make sure it's empty and then I lay there and relax for about 20 minutes. When I'm cleared to leave the nurse will roll me out to the car in a wheelchair and Matt will take me to my parent's house. I'll be on bed rest there for about 3 days and we'll head back to San Jose on Sunday. We should find out the results in early May but will share when we're ready.

Please be praying for the process to go well and for peace as we wait for the results. Some of my medications make me a little sad, so that on top of my anxiety about this going well, makes me feel like a bit of a mess. I'd really like to be able to keep a positive attitude, relax, and enjoy some time at home with Matt in between his trips. All your messages and encouragement really cheer me up and remind me that we have so many people behind us and supporting us in this journey. Thank you!!!

Fun with Friends at AT&T Park

Left to right: Cindy, Jessica, Steve, Scott, Me, and Matt

There's been a lot going on and I have been feeling a bit stuck in a rut from not feeling well for so long, so when our good friend Steve mentioned they'd be in town for a baseball game, we thought we'd check it out. Turns out Steve had good seats, and it also turned out that they were pretty cheap since it was a preseason game...then it turned out that there were two available seats right next to them. With that, Matt and I looked at one another and said, "Let's go!" 

So last Friday we met up with our friends Steve, Jessica, Cindy, and Scott, in San Francisco and walked into AT&T Park together. We grabbed some stadium snacks and settled into our seats to enjoy the game and finally spend some time together. These are some of my favorite people to spend time with because they always make me laugh till my cheeks hurt, can get me out of any funk, truly care about Matt and me, and always feel like home. 

Sometimes you can meet someone and feel like you've known them your whole life. That's how it was when I first met Jessica and Cindy (who are best friends) several years ago when we all got together at Steve's moms' house to hangout in the game room. Since then Jessica and Steve have been dating, Matt and I have gotten married (and Steve was Matt's Best Man), we've had many good times hanging out all together (including those over Black Sheep's mac 'n cheese in SLO!), and Jessica came to stay with me for a girl's night in San Jose. I've kept in touch with Cindy through Facebook and celebrated virtually as she met Scott, started dating, and then they got engaged. We hadn't met Scott before this last weekend, but when we did- no big surprise- it also felt like we'd known him for forever, too! We had so much fun being reunited, feeling like almost no time had passed, and laughing all night! One of the highlights of the night: we're laughing like crazy over the boys being...well, boys...and this guy next to Jessica taps her on the shoulder and asks, "Are these guys bothering you?" She looks at him like he's nuts and responds, "Uhhh no! These are our BOYFRIENDS!" Well, boyfriend, fiance, and husband but it doesn't matter- we all belong together!

Oops! I almost forgot to mention (which is probably because I'm not a sport's fan and don't think about these things, haha!)- the game was the Giants vs the Oakland A's and the Giants won. There you go Giant's fans! :)

Click on the pictures below for a bigger image:

Crazy friends make you laugh; the boys sing "Take me out to the ballgame"; and the girls smile for a picture while the boys make weird faces

My first time to AT&T Park and the view from our seats. Matt has raised me to be a Dodgers fan so the orange and black overload was a little hard to take. Haha!

Love Makes a Baby

Huggies commercial

Nexus 10 commerical

Lately I've really been struggling with the fact that we have to make our baby in THE most painful way possible. Physically, emotionally, mentally- there is nothing that is not challenging in this process. I'm envious of those with surprise babies created after a carefree moment together, and those who wake up and think, "Hmm maybe I should take a test today?" I can't stand to watch the newest Huggies commercial with the woman who gets a positive test and celebrates with her husband, and I cry over the new Nexus 10 commercial with the growing family. Everywhere I turn I see couples with infants, and families, and my heart hurts and wonders if that will ever be us.

Then a dear friend sent me a link to another blog and my whole way of thinking was suddenly challenged. It became clear to me that our baby would actually be created in MORE love than a baby who is created in a moment of intimacy. That really struck a chord in my heart.

Our love is not just contained in a bedroom. Our love has gone so much further than that. Our love is at every doctor appointment. In every poke of a needle. In every blood test. In every ultrasound. In every test result. And in every side effect. Our love is evident in every phone call: between California and China; between us, nurses, and doctors; and in late night calls to the on-call emergency number. Our love is there in my emotional breakdowns and Matt holding me, when he cares for me because I'm sick from a procedure or medications, and when we dream about our future with hope and faith. We have to show a whole lot more love to make this baby than most people!

Infertility is tough on a marriage but the challenges we have faced have brought us closer together, and we are more in love than ever. We discuss things that most couples never have to think of. We make huge decisions together. We support one another.

I am so thankful for Matt as he allows me to cry on his shoulder, props me up when I am feeling pessimistic, and cheers me up when I am having a bad day. All of the challenges of infertility have grown the love in our marriage. And the love and commitment we've shown to one another will someday make our baby.

I've just begun another series of injections as we prepare to transfer (hopefully) two of our babies in mid-April. I currently have injections every Tuesday and Friday but soon we will add a daily injection, too. Matt has another trip to China coming up so I will be heading to Ventura to stay with my parents and my mom will continue my injections for me.

The love in creating our baby does not just include Matt and me, but includes the love of my entire family, and for that I am truly blessed. I still struggle with seeing things come so easily to others, but I now know that in the end it won't matter and I need only focus on our love.

My "Poke" Bin

My nephews call shots "pokes" and this is my Poke Bin:

It's overflowing and I think I need a bigger box. Or less pokes??? I've got my own small pharmacy going on over here!

My bin includes colored folders for bills (different ones for different rounds), procedure info, pharmacy info, and doctor office info. I also keep my syringes and needles in baggies by size. It's important that I have a way to quickly grab everything and go since I'm 6 hours away from my doctor, but I'm thinking there's a better way I could organize things...and for a girl who loves to organize, this is a challenge!