Nest Launch Party

32 Weeks

Last night Nest (Matt's work) had a launch party for their newest product, Nest Protect (a fancy "smart" smoke and carbon monoxide detector) in San Francisco at a trendy restaurant. It was a beautiful venue and event and was fun to get dressed up and have a night out, especially since realistically it's the last time until these babies come.

Being 8 months pregnant with twins, I was pretty stumped on what to wear to a cocktail attire event at night in the city (think CHILLY plus needing something that fit). Thankfully I have met an incredible group of friends at my new church and they made sure I was dressed up and ready to go! Two of them lent me dresses to try and another lent me a peacoat and jewelry. I ended up going with this tight black dress because, really, when else can you wear a skin tight dress and not worry about having to suck it in all night than when you're 8 months pregnant? HAHA! I went from feeling super frumpy to super dressy thanks to these amazing women. It meant so much because I don't feel like myself these days and struggle to find anything that fits or is comfortable (especially when any kind of comfort is so crucial). It is such a blessing to have good friends!

I took this shameless selfie (to send my friends who lent me the items) on our way out the door from the hotel. I wish we had gotten a picture together from the event, because Matt was looking sharp in a suit, but the party was on a rooftop patio and the lightening wasn't very good for a picture. The night was a lot of fun and I am really proud of Matt and all of the hard work he has put into this product along with his coworkers.

Pumpkin Patch 2013

Every year Matt and I have a tradition of going to the pumpkin patch together. This year was a little harder with his busy travel schedule and me not feeling very well. Two weeks ago we made it happen though by choosing a little roadside "farm" that is closer to where we live than where we usually go, and we went right after Matt got home from a trip. Here's a few snapshots:

30 weeks pregnant with our two little "pumpkins"

Family of four in the making

Maternity Photos

Our maternity pictures are here!!!

Awhile ago I entered a contest for a free maternity photo session with a friends' company and I was so bummed when she announced she had contacted the winner that morning and yet my email inbox was still empty. Later that afternoon I found out one of my friends had also entered the contest in hopes of gifting the photo shoot to us... and it turns out she won!!! Funny how within a few hours I went from feeling so sad we didn't win to finding out we had and in an even better way than I could have imagined! (Thanks Jennifer!!!!) 

So two weeks ago I got a makeover from a fabulous friend, Erica (who owns her own incredible hair and makeup company: 10.11 Makeup) and headed to our pictures with Jesep (owner of Paper Owl Studios). Here are a handful to share with you- you can click on any of the pictures for a bigger image: 

Note: These were taken when I was 30 weeks pregnant. Baby A weighed 3.9 pounds and Baby B weighed 3.8 pounds. 

Revealing the Nursery

I think we are 98% done with the nursery. I'd love to say "We're done!" but let's be real, I'll continue to move stuff around a little and think it changes everything or add other things I'd like to do. :) There's also things we'll need to do once the babies get here, like hang up the baby tub in the shower, but for now there's no reason it can't stay tucked underneath one of the cribs along with a few other things.

A lot of people have a "theme" for their nursery- like Safari, Puppies, Ducks, or Cars. While we have no problem with rooms like that, we knew that wasn't what we wanted after talking about our options. In the end, we agreed we wanted it to be a mix of blue/green/white so it would be soothing for babies and yet slightly masculine, and it needed just a hint of wiener dogs in honor of the bond we hope our little ones will have with Hunter.

Feel free to click on the picture for a larger image. I'll go into more detail under each photo:

I know...worst picture ever... but it should give you an idea of what this room looked like as our office before we changed it into the nursery. 

The nursery (with the office now tucked away in the armoire in the corner)

PART 1
My mom helped me by making the bedding sets for the cribs. She sewed two duvet covers for each bed. Two are cotton with a stripe/polka dot front and a solid navy back (one in green and one in blue). The other two have a flannel chevron front with a solid navy fleece back (one in green and one in blue). I wanted options that would be cooler for summer and cozier for winter and I love how all four of them turned out! My mom also sewed the navy bed skirts for each crib and she bought us crib sheets in navy blue to match. My Grandma Alison made the little white bears in each crib. I decided to not have matching crib sets since, even though these little ones are twins, they are individuals more importantly. 

The Green Crib

The Blue Crib

PART 2

The changing table area is a dresser that we use to store diapers, socks, hats, and other little things, along with their clothes and extra bedding, etc. Above the dresser we hung a shelf so our little ones could see pictures of our families, and a little toy hangs underneath to keep their attention during diaper changes.

Changing table/dresser and shelf

Changing table

My mom bought us this little wiener dog toy as a decoration for my baby shower. We hung it under the shelf so it can be used to keep a baby's attention during a diaper change, or taken off and played with. The paci's are in a flower vase from our wedding and I tied a navy bow around it. I loved repurposing something from such a special day! 

Top drawer: diapers (we'll use cloth after the first few weeks), slippers, socks, hats, diaper accessories, and other small items.

Second drawer: some of the clothes are already packed in the diaper bag and ready to go to the hospital. As their clothes get bigger we'll probably need to use the third drawer, as well as more of the closet. For now, just a few things are hung in the closet, like button-down collared shirts (adorable!) and jackets. 

Third drawer: for now this drawer has receiving blankets, swaddlers, changing pad covers, sheets, towels, burp cloths, and bibs. 

PART 3

An overall look at the room (from the doorway):

Far left wall: green crib, changing table/dresser, and armoire concealing our office area.

Wall straight ahead: rocking chair from my Grandma Ethel with a blanket made by my Aunt Debra, and a filing cabinet concealing office things that multi-tasks as a place to hold books, baby video monitor, and sound machine. For safety reasons, I didn't want a crib or the changing table in front of the window. 

Far right wall: closet, blue crib, and lamp.

PART 4
A look at the details:

This armoire hides our computer and other office supplies. The printer is on top along with some of Staci's favorite old stuffed animals, including (of course) two wiener dogs. 

Stuffed animal friends, including brown and grey wiener dogs

My Grandma Alison made us this wiener dog basket and it's perfect for holding little lovey-stuffed animals until the babies are old enough to snuggle them and take them on the go. 

Bedtime isn't bedtime without reading a book together first! Other important bedtime items are the video monitor and sound machine. 

In honor of Hunter, artwork with black and tan wiener dogs 

This bedroom has an attached bathroom and it's also ready with baby soaps and washcloths, all tucked neatly into a basket

Looking Back

One year ago...

Almost a year ago I came across these little socks and shared this post about our struggle to have a baby. Ugh. I can't even write that simple sentence without choking up. So much has happened in a year. 

Everything that poured out of my heart in that post a year ago so accurately forecasted all that we would walk through. I have been through some hard times in my life but I can honestly say I have never walked through a more challenging time than this last year. I think for the most part I have tried to put it in the past and keep my eyes focused forward because walking through it again brings up such feelings of panic, fear, and desperation. To relive that seems impossible, and yet for some reason, as I face this new season of life I feel it's important to remember the path we took that brought us here. 

Hearing the doctor tell me that I was infertile at 28-years-old is something that seems to be branded on my heart. No matter what I tell myself, no matter how much these little ones kick and squirm inside me, no matter how often people refer to me as a "mama," I still think of myself as infertile. I don't know if that is something that I will ever be able to erase from my identity. I had written in that previous post about mourning the ability to ever have a "normal" progression in life as a couple, full of moments I had always dreamed of: surprising my husband with the news of a pregnancy, creating that pregnancy in a special moment, sharing our joy with friends and family, and feeling carefree in my excitement for our future. These are things I still struggle with to this day. It's so odd to be pregnant and yet still feel my heart ache every time I hear another woman share how she became pregnant so easily. It's not that I'm not overjoyed with their blessings, it's just that I'm still mourning not being able to ever have that experience for myself. 

I also wrote about fearing the struggle, the heartbreak, the unwanted advice, and the judgment of others.  It is these experiences that bring up the most pain and panic for me when I think back over the last year.  Funny how a year ago I somehow knew they were coming, tried to prepare myself for them, and they still almost drowned me. 

So many people think they understand infertility- they read an article, they know a friend, or they saw a segment on the news. It's from these limited interactions that they feel led to offer advice or provide a correction. I can't tell you how painful this is for the woman who has actually been diagnosed, who knows more about her own body than you could ever imagine, who could give a lecture on what it actually takes to make a baby... no one knows more about infertility than the woman experiencing it. Hearing people try and tell me they knew better than me was like having my failures as a woman further rubbed in my face. 

No matter what I read or who I talked to, nothing could actually prepare me for what it was like to go through the doctor appointments, the travel, the blood draws, the ultrasounds, the anxious waiting by the phone for test results, the time spent in waiting rooms, the painful injections, the excruciating side effects, and the numerous procedures. I can't begin to describe the panic I feel when I think about going through it all again. 

What tears at my heart the most as I reflect over this post I wrote so long ago, is this paragraph: 

"You see, I know now that sometimes when you know something is meant to be, it doesn’t mean that it will come easily. It means that you will FIGHT to gain your dreams. You will become RELENTLESS in your pursuit. And you will fall at each defeat but you will RISE AGAIN to overcome. This is my path to becoming a mom."

I know that as hard as everything was that I went through, I would do it all again- over and over- until our dream of having little ones was realized. Somehow, I would face forward and keep marching, FIGHTING to reach our dreams. I was RELENTLESS even after we lost our first pregnancy. When we first found out the devastating news, I told Matt I didn't know if I could do it- if I could pick up the pieces and try again- but together we did. Indeed, we did fall but we ROSE AGAIN and in a few weeks we will OVERCOME everything we faced on the day these babies are born.

One of the last things I wrote about that jumps out at me was my desire to support other women. I know many people questioned why I would put such a personal issue on such a public forum but I was determined to help any other woman going through something similar. Feeling broken is hard enough; feeling broken and utterly alone is torture. I wanted other women facing this journey to know they could lean on me if they wanted. Throughout this last year I have been able to be there for several women as they were diagnosed with similar issues and were taking similar medications. I was able to love on them through miscarriages, and celebrate with them through pregnancies. I have connected with women all over the world through our struggles and I have made lifelong friends. We connect in a way not many understand and which bonds us together. To be that support, and to have that support, means everything when your world feels like it's crumbling. 

My path to becoming a mom was not your average one, and my path as a mom will certainly not be your average one either with twin boys. Being pregnant attracts a lot of questions (as I'm sure having twins will as well), and after going through all I have, I struggle with how to answer people. How honest should you be with a stranger? I have no idea how to answer people when they ask if we'll have more children someday....it's an ability so many take for granted and a process that is so daunting for me, especially when I consider the needs of multiple little ones who will be depending on me already. All I can reply with is, "We'll see" because given everything I have been through this last year the one thing I know for sure is that nothing is for certain. 

I started this post intending to write something completely different but how do I begin to share what this all has really been like? What it's truly like to feel like you're a failure because your body doesn't do what it's intended to? What the medications feel like as they're injected into you day after day? How they burn and make you feel sick? How the bruises cover your body? How you hang onto every hope that it will all be worth it? How it feels when you reach success? How it feels to hear on Christmas Eve that the little one you're carrying is gone? How it feels to try and celebrate the holidays in the midst of a miscarriage? How it is to pick yourself up and be willing to try again, only to have everything fall apart at every step? How I've never been more sick in my entire life? How my husband loved me and cared for me like I never imagined possible? 

How do I possibly try to explain to someone what that all feels like? I've tried my best over the last year through the posts I've written and I've provided links to them below. Please feel free to reflect with me over the last year and how we've arrived at being weeks away from the birth of these babies who are truly miracles. 

How We Got Here

Step 1: Becoming a Chicken

Step 2: Making a Nest

The 2ww

News

From My Heart

Struggle and Support

IVF Update

One Day At A Time

Retrievals, OHSS, and Embabies

Love Makes A Baby

Transfer Time

Early Surprise

Today...an abundance of baby socks for not one baby, but two. Who knew?!

Reality Check

1 + 1 = 4

I know I'm no math genius, but in our case, this is how the math actually adds up. For most families they begin as a couple and then have one baby at a time as they add to their family- not so much in our situation, and that reality check can feel more than overwhelming to a first-time mama. Recently a friend wrote me this:

"Seriously, you're having your first baby, and your second baby is arriving at the same time as your first baby! That's going to be a very huge and wonderful and overwhelming change! The last thing you need is a lot of pressure to host people and make conversation or pack up all your baby gear and go somewhere. Just going to the grocery store is a big enough excursion the first few months."

If it were possible, I would reach all the way to Florida and give my friend the biggest hug because it felt so incredibly wonderful to know that someone truly understood and supported what I was feeling!!!

For those of you mama's with multiple little ones, maybe you can picture what the chaos, exhaustion, and sweetness of having your first and second babies at the same time will look like. For me, it causes a feeling of excitement mixed with anxiety. Excitement because I want to meet these little ones so much and anxiety because I'm not sure how I'll manage the logistics of two infants, along with the fatigue, healing, and hormones that come after giving birth.

As a people pleaser, I put a lot of pressure on myself to appease people I care about and their expectations, and I know that with the birth of a baby everyone has a LOT of expectations. However, I am learning that I can no longer allow myself to be a people pleaser and put others' expectations first because what is most important now is taking care of myself, my hubby, and our family. I just hope and pray that people will understand, not take it personally, and know I still care about them!

Matt and I are trying to prepare ourselves for this major change in our lives and what it will mean to us individually as well as a couple. Everyone says a baby changes everything, so I can only wonder how much more things will change with two babies! We have tried to take a last getaway weekend before the babies come but it has been next to impossible with Matt's travel schedule and my inability to travel anywhere. Being the awesome man he is though, Matt put aside the fact that he's lived in hotels for weeks on end now, and has booked a fancy hotel for us to stay at in San Francisco. I am just hoping the hotel has enough pillows to accommodate my heartburn sleeping situation ;)

Yes, I actually "sleep" (aka lay in bed all night wishing I were sleeping) with 10 pillows to keep me propped upright and support my baby belly and back

While it's true that with any baby you never really know when they'll arrive, it's even more true with multiples. The statistic I've read is that 50% of the time they'll arrive between Weeks 32-38 and the other 50% of the time they'll arrive before Week 32. That's a huge window of time to try and be prepared and plan for, especially for an avid planner like myself!

So in summary: we're having our first and second babies at the same time, we don't really know when they'll arrive, and we know everything will change but are not really sure what that will look like. Please have grace and love for us in these last weeks of pregnancy, as well as the first 12 weeks after the babies are born, when we don't answer our phones, hang out, or have to say no to something. We'll figure it all out eventually, life will find a new kind of normal, and we promise to get back to you. :)

Until these little ones arrive, we're just trying to find time together once Matt's business trips end, and I'm finding I have to take it easier and easier and keep my feet up. Currently, one baby weighs 3 lbs and the other weighs 2.7 lbs and both are very healthy. I now begin seeing my doctor every two weeks and it's feeling like we're that much closer to the home stretch!

Three Little Words...

28 Weeks

My third trimester can be summed up in three little words: Tums, Pepcid, and Zofran. Ahhh, sweet music to my burning heart and nauseous tummy!

With my deadline being 37 weeks, I have 9 weeks left to go (or less if there are any surprises). So far I have only gained about 2 pounds and the rest is all weight related directly to the babies...yay me! I have found that when it comes to having a hard pregnancy you have to celebrate and focus on the things that go well. The other things I have been celebrating are that these babies both seem to be healthy, I am healthy, and we are pretty much ready to go with the nursery and baby clothes.

My ongoing challenges are constant acid reflux and heartburn- I'm talking 24/7, can't ever lay down (sleep sitting up), have to strictly watch what I eat, I keep Tums in business, kind of heartburn- and morning sickness. Also, my back pain has really flared up in these last weeks as these babies have put on weight.

Today I showed up to have lunch with my friend Bianca and was greeted with a surprise baby shower she threw for me! We were blessed with newborn diapers, bath toys, and winter clothes in 12-month sizes. Most of what we have is in newborn sizes so it was such a blessing to know I have a few warm, fuzzy things to bring out next winter! Not only was I surprised by the shower, but there were girls there I'd never met and they brought gifts and played games and celebrated these babies with us...so incredible!!! Thank you Bianca (and Sandy!) for the delicious food and fun company! You thought of the little details to make it a special event as well as heard the things we still needed and made sure those needs we met. :)

We'll keep you posted in these next weeks as we wrap things up with the nursery and finish getting ready to meet these little ones!